Tips? Ya want tips?

Yeah Yeah, I know…. I'm so busy writing sick twisted stories, outrageous unpolitically correct views and all that, that I forgot to write about tips… My apologies.

Before I start on "Angie's Magical Egg Cure" and other things, I'd like to pay tribute to the Martha Stuart of tips. The man who knows everything and anything about fishing that's right, you guessed it Salmon, Trout Steelhead's own RT "THE REEL TRUTH GUY"…

Ahhhhhhhhhemmmmm let's get serious. Stevey the "Ass Bandit" is a serious kind of guy and needs our, no I'm sorry demands our RESPECT! Even though if he quit fooling around and quit acting like Mister Gadget, he might actually catch more fish. For example I'm going to pit RT against Orvis Boy…

Here in this corner, we have ORVIS BOY wearing black boxers and matching bandana, personally trained by the hard ass bitch, ANGIE… She's a no nonsense kind of gal and sticks to the basics. WHY? Because they work.

In the other corner, we have RT or "The Reel Truth Guy", wearing red, white and blue budweiser shorts and a life vest, personally trained by Jennie at Ifish.net and her fishing forums. RT learned everything he knows from asking and talking with people on fishing forums. Yes, that's right. These people that fish through the computer know wayyyyyy more then Miss Angie who probably fishes as much as these EXPERTS surf the internet.

Now before we continue on…  I’d like us all to take a moment of reflection.  I’d like us to reflect on how the internet has made some people so utterly addicted to it that they replace real life with a computer.  Though I can’t believe that you can replace actual real life fishing with a computer there are people out there that can.  Believe it or not.

Actually, after you read below…  Do you think these characters are real or a figment of my over creative imagination?  You be the judge…  Scary isn’t it?

Round #1 Bank fishing with spoons…

Orvis Boy steps to the bank wearing cabelas wading boots with felt bottoms.
1. His rod of choice a 8.5 foot rod medium Fenwick rod, his reel the shimano 4000, line weight Maxima Chamelon 10 .
2. His spoon? A steelie special, brass because the water is clear and it's cloudy. He casts straight across, bounces once, and reels slowly…

RT steps to the bank wearing Fishin & Huntin wading boots with felt bottoms and quarter inch spikes (like something out of Judas Priest Garb), always safety conscious RT has put on plastic discs on each spike that are removable so that he can control the length of the spike to match appropriate conditions.

1. His rod of choice an experimental 9 foot rod light weight for extra feel. His reel the shimano 4000, line is Gamakatsu (they are endorsing him).

2. His spoon? Specialty Mortac that he had soupped up. Since steelhead are attracted by certain shapes and colors, RT has in his pocket special metallic stickers cut in various shapes. Looking at the water conditions, he takes a red diamond out and places one on the top of the spoon toward the hook and the other on the bottom next to the swivel.

3. Then RT takes out some super glue and puts a dab on the swivel and blows on it for exactly 10 seconds till it dries.

4. Then RT pulls out something that looks like lip gloss but NO! It's specially formulated smelly jelly that he baked in the oven in tube form and put in his wife's empty lipstick containers for convenience.

5. He then pulls out a can of WD40 and sprays down the spoon removing all human scent and dabs the spoon with the special smelly jelly contents.

6. He then casts a quarter up string and reels slowly dragging bottom. (In the meantime Orvis Boy has made contact with a steelhead.)

Round II

Orvis boy yahoos in enjoyment and begins to play the fish. Setting the hook firmly and waiting a second he holds his rod at a 45 degree angle and let's the fish run and then reels. He lets the fish run and then he reels. He lands the fish by keeping the head pointed toward the shore and slides him up on the beach. He then takes the hook out with pliers, grabs it by the tail and under the front fins and holds up for a picture. RT gets a steelhead third cast and the following ensues…

1. RT sets the hook firmly then sets it again slightly making sure that the specially sharpen hook embeds itself even more. He had sprayed the hook with WD-40 because it helps lubricate the hook so it goes into the flesh more readily.

2. RT begins to play the fish holding the rod at river level, going back and forth depending on the position of the fishes head… This technique tires the fish out more. Back and forth and back and forth, kind of like a hula dancer on speed. He then starts shuffling his feet… side to side, side to side… like the motion drills in football. Ever a believer in fancy footwork, RT could put Mohammed Ali to shame.

3. As the fish comes in RT, watches the fish intently never taking his eyes off the fish lest he lose it. He stumbles upon the shore.

4. Putting on surgical gloves (because the touch of a human hand can kill a fish by removing it's scales) he wets them and with a special hook detractor, invented by someone on Piscatorial Pursuits forum, he removes the hook doing minimal damage to it's mouth.

5. He then puts the steelhead head back into the water and weaves it around reviving it. This does not work so he uses a special artificial respiratory device, this time developed by an I-Fish.Net poster.

6. He then holds up the fish and using the big fish picture tip, pushes the fish away from his body he makes it look twice as big.

7. Then he replaces the fish into the water, after inserting eye drops into the fishes eyes. These are special drops invented by another Piscatorial Pursuits forum member who said that once the fishes head is out of the water it gets somewhat blinded and can't see.


Fishing with Floats…

After the last round our contestants take a break with a refreshment. We find Orvis Boy downing a shot of "Wild Turkey" and backing it with a nice Pyramid Pale Ale, while RT pulls out of his crusty tackle box a nice can of Schmidt beer the one with the bass on it. Yummmmmmmmmmm… Angie now announces that they will be fishing with floats and eggs and with an explanation of "Shit" RT runs back to his beat up old truck and drags a huge tackle box even bigger than the last one back to the river's edge.

Orvis Boy gets to go first because we all know how long it's gonna take RT to get ready. So with a scratch of his balls, OB takes Angie's special eggs that are simply cured with borax and Knox Gelatin… He runs the line through a simple foam float with orange on top. After looking at the depth of the water ( we had gone down stream where a nice run deepens into a pool along a nice rock wall, perfect float conditions) he calculates about 5 feet and puts the tie stopper five feet from where the hook is attached to a two foot leader from a swivel. Instead of putting on split shot he uses 2 of those cool sinky weights that twist onto the line. Putting one above the swivel and the other a two feet below the float stopper or about a foot apart.

Casting upstream he watches his float go perfectly down the seam, leaving as little a bow in the line as possible, as it passes him he lets out more line and as he is about to reel it in he gets a strike and holding rod up high he wacks it and runs backwards keeping pressure on the fish.

It's a small 6 pound coho and so Orvis Boy, wacks it once on the head and lays it on the beach…

Now it's our boy RT up next, and what to everyone's eyes does appear? The most exquisite float set up anyone has ever seen! A long 7 inch green rocket shaped float with little moving rotary fins on the sides. The head is painted like a bullseye with flame orange red encircled with yellow, the 4 inch antennae sticking out of the top with a little orange flag for better visibility. The float stopper is a rubber contraption about ½ inch long, it's purpose is to not only stop the heavy mechanize float but to prevent the line from tangling up in the fins….

RT leaves the set up and walks down to the pool where he takes out a special right angled measuring device… It folds upon itself and as he places it out to the deepest part of the pool he presses a button and on the end of the special "RT Measuring Stick" a string with a weight goes down to the bottom of the pool (pissing off a king that flies up to the surfaces and breaches)… The pool is exactly 7 feet deep!

RT goes back to his spot and picking up one of 6 egg containers (each container containing eggs that are formulated to match each special river condition) he picks the middle one. Putting on surgical gloves he carefully grabs one of the pre cut chunks. These eggs had been marinating for 3 weeks in a special recipe with 57 herbs and spices and an ounce of eye of newt thrown in there for superstition's sake. He places the eggs on the hook and with a shake of "Johnny Seasoning Salt" he takes the gloves off, picks his nose AND scratches his balls then casts gently to the seam and turns on the remote control. It puts out the most soothing hum. When RT reaches the sweet spot he keeps the float there with it's fins and he starts to press a button making the float jig up and down and up and down. Orvis Boy stares fascinated with his mouth agape at such a miraculous invention. Up and down the float jigs, hypnotizing all those that watch. Till WHAM! The float goes under! RT's remote control is ripped out of his hand and into the water (but that's okay it happens every time and he just builds a new one, what else does he have to do?) and he plays a lovely 15 pound king and lands it.

But he doesn't kill it with a rock like Orvis Boy! He uses a special tazer weapon and inserts it into the king's eye so as not to do any damage to the Chinooks body! RT clearly won this round!


Fly Fishing…

We find our two contestants on the banks of the upper Hoh. Our beautiful hostess Angie has made the next round fly fishing. Alas, Steve the "Man with a Plan" cannot fly fish but he assures Angie that he can. She raises an eyebrow in doubt but figures this aughta be really really good so she continues with the round.

Orvis Boy steps to the bank first because if we had to wait for RT it would be a waste of daylight and you know how short these winter days can be. Orvis Boy pulls out his fly box, picks out a dumbbell weighted size 2, Tiemco 7889 hook, adorned with silver floss, flash tail and pink marabou hackle. This is Angie's special Harpy Hoh fly that she uses especially for the Hoh. He ties it with a double cinch knot. Standing up to his knees in the current he slowly lets out the line making a cast with every ten feet till he pulls out 50 feet of line. Doing a double spey cast beautifully he casts directly across from himself, mends the line, and follows the tip to the fly. On the hang he walks a few steps just incase one of them chromers followed it in and he continues. Within four more casts he has a hook up, and the reel whinesssssss away. Orvis Boy gets an evil look in his eye and tightens the drag because this fish is a feisty one. After a couple of leaps, he begins to bring it in. After several more attempts at escape the fish is subdued and Orvis Boy gently drags it upon the beach. He has hooked and landed a lovely 13 pound buck.

They turn around and alas RT is raring and ready to go. Angie quickly sticks her fist in her mouth to stifle a squeal as she notes the appearance of RT. During the struggle with the fish, RT has taken the opportunity to change into different attire. Before Angie, stood RT looking glamorous and absolutely fabulous regaled in the finest clothing SAGE had to offer. Never before had any fly dandy looked so splendid. For the occasion RT had even shaved and bathed to allude to the look of gentility. Upon his head sat a beautiful brown LEATHER wide brim hat with a yellow and blue Atlantic Salmon fly in it's band. His red bandana around his neck wasn't just cotton it was silk! His beige long sleeve shirt was embroidered with all the salmon species, up and down the sleeves, and he bragged he had done it himself one night when he couldn't sleep. He had stayed up all night and with all the colors of the spectrum and had hand stitched each and everyone! His shirt was so well starched that there was nary a wrinkle to be seen. The color of his shirt perfectly matched his expensive SIMMS Waders. To complete the ensemble he wore the most gorgeous crafted leather fishing vest that matched his hat. He had again stayed up all hours of the night and between posts had etched in magnificent Native American Art into the leather. What was truly lovely was that he had had found matching leather SOS Suspenders that blended so well with the vest you couldn't tell he was wearing one. RT was not only stylish but he radiated good breeding, because he was leaning against a tree with his 18 foot Sage Rod, sipping tea daintly from a china cup. Pinky out. He made Angie feel like the peasant she was…

Angie speechless, motion for him to step up to the bank. Orvis Boy was taking picture after picture because he just had to go out and buy the same outfit and he was also going to pay some old lady to copy his shirt. Wouldn't all the guys in his fly fishing club be jealous?

RT, excuse me Sir RT steps gracefully into the water. He lights up a cigar and between each puff does a regal march out into the current to the tune of "God Save The Queen". Unfortunately the only literature he had read on Spey Casting was by Dec Hogan. So going up to his waist, he finishes his cigar, clips it and exchanges it for a pair of safety goggles. He begins to let out line, about 100 feet (because you have to cast 100 feet to effectively catch a steelhead). He casts all the way to the other side of the river and upon the bank with a simple black marabou fly. (We were in shock that it was simple when we asked Sir RT why it wasn't fancy, he responded in a British Accent, "That when fly fishing, less is better in the fly. The way you catch fish is all in the beauty of the cast") So Orvis Boy and Angie watched awestruck as Sir RT did a switch back, double spey, loopdey mend, over and over again.

Alas Sir RT never caught a fish but he was so "Royal" that Orvis Boy handed the chromer to Angie and with both hands she presented the fish to his "Lordship" and curtsied as he took it and with knee cocked askew, fish hangin off a finger, and his cap at a rakish angle, Orvis Boy took his picture. Sir RT had not won the Round Officially but he had won it with "the spirit of fly fishing hands down"!!!!!

RT got a little tiff about the above contest so just to show him what humour is all about I put down some stuff that people have written about me...

Now this is funnier than shit...

Did you know I have video cameras around my home so I can tape myself all day long and then watch myself for hours?

Did you know that the reason why I like to catch chrome steelhead is so I can see my beautiful reflection in their scales?

Did you know why I like to row and work out?

So I can maintain my domination of the submissive's submissive ORVIS BOY.

So I can row overweight ex-Husky linemen down the river, plugging in the fastest waters.

So I can haul a 350 lb tackle from the frigid Sol Duc waters when he falls overboard while peeing.

So I can handle things myself on the river when threatened by Joe (Dirte) Dirt.

So I can lift myself from the gutter late at night down by Pioneer Square... where I live in a van down by the river.


"Boy do I look good in a set of chest waders. I'm going to the Thompson next week to fish with the fly fishing guru (For you dumbies out there, that means Jack Himmingway). I think I'll put him in the book I'm writing. And maybe the video I'm gonna make about the evils of gill nets and logging. People get so jealous of me because I'm such an awsome fisher. And another thing...I got an elk on my first year of rifle hunting...it's so easy I'm going to bow hunt next year. It's easy because I'm in such great shape. You all are out of shape, ya know? But not you Plunker, you're a world-class athelete. But the rest of you, if we went hunting you wouldn't be able to keep up with me. Man, did I grow up around guns! My dad taught me to shoot and respect them. Did I mention I'm getting a pontoon boat because I need to run some knarly rapids? Well, I am. And I'm getting a Duckworth too. That's how cool I am. Who's your favorite guide around here? I bet I've fished with 'em. "