Oh and Thanks to ST Croix for getting my spey rod fix on time for the television show. Scott Baker Mcgarva thought it was a piece of shit. But I still love casting you in pretend land! Their stiff backbone is great for beginners and fishing heavy sink tips. What does Scott know since he only fishes Scott Rods.
Does anyone here in the states fish them?
Well, Nick Davis of Barrett Productions, glad you asked! This is the other woman that tried to beat up "The John" because he was mentally abusing her. The cops had seen it all before and put his ass in jail when he called the cops.
Why are cops smarter than you?
STEELHEAD JANUARY THRU END OF APRIL 2007 FLY FISHING AND CONVENTIONAL GEAR ON THE PRISTINE RIVERS OF THE OLYMPIC PENINSULA (CANCEL THE OP NO TIME THIS SPRING), SOUTHWEST WASHINGTON AND THE SKAGIT SYSTEM
Well one and all, I wasn’t gonna update my web site till after the ol’ move to the farm down there in lovely redneck Buckley, but I have just a bunch of shit that I have to get off my beautiful chest and admit to myself and my loyal fans out there in web site land.
And you all have Scott Baker- McGarva to thank for it. Speaking of...
Remember the last rant on “Fly Fish America”? Well, I watched it with my hung over girlfriend on New Year’s Day, we dubbed it “Casper, Posey the Poser and Bad Tattoo Guy” go fish the Thompson. It was interesting at the most, but still rather boring because it was too PC to be anything but. My girlfriend couldn’t take it anymore and when “Bad Tattoo Guy” did the following:
“Nick the Producer” asked him what the fly on his ring finger meant...
And he responded with...
“That’s to show the girls where my priorities are.”
She cackled and went... “I can’t believe ANYONE would admit that they’d rather fish then get laid on national television! People that fly fish are weird, and why the fuck would you fish and not eat them. I’m going to take a shower.”
Jennifer had never fished a day in her life and is looking forward to a “Pretty boat ride down the river” with me when it warms up to see what all the fuss is about.
The next best part was when poor Scott or better known as “Posey the Poser” went around with a flower in his cap. See in Canada they wear Posies for Veteran’s Remembrance Day but no one down in the States knows this so he looks like a guy with a flower in his hat.
The best best part was when one guy after three days of fishing finally puts a sink tip on and catches a fish! We dubbed him Casper because we couldn’t tell if he was a boy or a girl.
And the bestest of the best part, was that the message that Barrett Productions and the Fly Fishing Friends of the River were trying to convey to the States was the message that to save the fish we must make all rivers “Fly Fishing Only” and ban bait and gear because it kills the fish.
So just think about what the guys that just watch “Bill Dance” are a thinking?
Especially, when the last quote was...
“Bait is for Fat Boys”.
“Hey Pa, them fly fishers up in Canada are kind of queer taint they?” Junior comments as he tosses Pa another Pabst, Rolling Rock, Schmidt, Rainier etc... I think Barrett Productions might want to think about another time slot????
So what does this have to do with Miss Angie being a new Miss Angie. Well, for some unknown reason, Posey the Poser or Scott had to go around and tell everyone that I was fired from the show for lack of talent. Did that mean I was getting paid? And where the hell is my pay check you cheap bastards? I did leave early during elk season and ruin it because of the stupid show.
I thought I had told Nick to go back to Montana and #@###@@!!!! After he told me I had to be nice to “The John” and to do the show on “The John” or on “Posey the Poser”. In fact if I remembered right, I asked Scott to take over the show because I was just too pissed off to do it because of all the abuse “Nick the Producer” let “The John” get away with.
And now after having an argument two months later with Scott about it, I have realized that I just have to let this sort of shit just go and just stay away from these kind of assholes. The minute they sat there and argued with me about kilometers being miles at the border crossing I should of turned around and left because that was when they started abusing me.
In fact Scott Baker-McGarva is still abusing me. He keeps telling me that they FIRED me (still haven't seen a paycheck) and they picked him because he could cast farther and row the boat better. Well, since I wasn't rowing my "CUSTOM BUILT WILLIE DRIFTBOAT" especially made for me and my GIRL frame I hope A GUY could row better than I, especially a heavy Hyde that is too wide for a woman with small shoulders. AND I SURE hope that he could cast farther than I since all he does is fly fish. Isn't it cute that Scott keeps going around braggin about how much better he is than me and dissing me everywhere? Yup, dude your stronger and more coordinated than a mere slip of a woman! You HE-MAN you!
Yup, and I did say they were abusing me. In fact, my whole guiding career has been one big “let’s abuse the fishin chick fest”. And I have finally learned how to deal with it... and that is to
NOT DEAL WITH IT
For years I’ve had to deal with insecure and abusive men abusing me. I’ve let them call me names like Lesbian, can’t fish, no talent, can’t row, I sleep with all my clients, the freaks rowing up to me rowing my boat (did I just confuse you ) and trying to put me down in front of clients on the river, low holing me, saying I’m flat chested, ugly, now that I have boobs they’re fake, well yeah????? I just can't seem to please or do anything right. etc... NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!
And what did the competitive “Old Angie” do? Well, of course I stood up for myself and do you know what that does? It makes me look bad. Even though they are the ones that start it, evoke it, and instigate it and know what they are doing is wrong... I still look bad.
Like with the TV Show, the more I told “Nick the Producer” that “the John” was fuckin with me and I was gonna beat the shit out of him (usually all I have to do is scream at men and then they start crying ) I looked bad. When “the John” tied knots in my anchor rope between the pullies and everyone saw it and I screamed bloody murder, it was my fault and I was the bad guy... etc... NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!!
Now why does this sort of thing happen? Well, it’s human nature. When some one is different and stands out the mob usually goes after them trying to make them conform or else!
Let’s look at some stories shall we?
Do you all know who Jackie Robertson is? The first black man to play baseball for you fags that don’t like sports. Imagine the abuses he took, the threats he got, etc... What did he do?
He didn’t do anything and by doing that and taking it, and doing his own thing... People began to defend him. If Jackie would of beat up everyone that was abusing him, he would never of made it in baseball.
I know it doesn’t make sense but that is how it is.
Or how bout the first female fighter pilot? She even got sexually harassed and fondled (yes, it’s happened to me another incredible story and the guy ended up on an island in the middle of the Skagit) but she just kept doing a good job and the bastards that did bad things to her got what was coming to them because others began to stand up for her.
So over the past few years I’ve just been fucking myself every time,
“I don’t let the bastards get away with it and I fight back.”
If you let them win, they don’t really win because you can’t fight human nature. Confusing isn’t it?
I am glad I finally have realized this and my poor husband has finally made me realize it and really really see it. I thought he was an asshole and a pussy because he never did anything about the abuse I had to take from men but he was always right and I always thought that it was a FAIR competition but it's not and I guess I owe him the biggest apology ever and I am a fuckin shit.
So the last few years of fishing have not been fun for me. I have been a target to any freak I run into, like when the "FLY FISHING HOSTEL HILLTOP" found out I harvest Native Steelhead on occasion, when I told them to quit yelling at me and go stand up to the assholes over netting the river but you won't because they'll beat you up (Commercial Fishermen) but the girl won't ey? BUT this television thing up in Canada was too much to bear. That week up there I was the target of “The John” who had been thrown in jail twice for abusing women, “Nick the Producer” who just wasn’t having a good shoot and a bald insecure over the hill fly fisher Scott.
I was made to feel insecure about my knowledge, my techniques, my rowing skills, my driving skills, my flies, etc... “The John” was so good that when he started to bold face lie it was all I could do not to pounce and try to choke the fucker to death. He would taunt me that when last we were on the Rogue he had caught all the fish, he didn’t catch his first steelhead with me he had caught a 20 pounder at age 8 and so on... The more I called him on it the better he looked.
So I was gonna beat him up and be a man about it. (Actually, I just wanted to yell at him till I was hoarse). The last night JW and I were there we walked up to his room and I rapped on the door with a fish wacker and told him to come outside and take it like a man and then called him a pussy a couple million times. When he wouldn’t come out I turned around and said to JW...
“I told you he was a pussy.”
He obviously thought I was alone, and charged thru the door and attacked me from behind, throwing me as hard as he could against the wall, he then pounced on me, grabbed the fish wacker and was going to hit me full on the face when he noticed that JW was standing there. The freak then went pale and threw the fish wacker across the room and almost peed his pants when JW told him to let me up.
As soon as he did I head butted him in the face (I had a headache for a week, Kudos to you rugby studs!) giving him a cut and kicked him so hard in the balls that he flew backwards into his room. Shaken, I started to cry and learned a valuable lesson that no matter how strong a girl might be a man is always stronger. I had come that close to having him break my face. Sure everyone would have believed me then or would they?
aside... OKAY SICK MIKE YOU WERE RIGHT ONE DAY I WOULD FUCK WITH THE WRONG GUY AND SOMETHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN. KISS MY ASS! :)
Then “The John” came out and began crying and screaming like a mad man. She hit me owwwwwwwwwww my face. She hit me with the fish wacker.” I’m scarred for life! Help me! (The guy is six foot three.) Oh oh HELP ME!!!!!!!
JW glared and called him a fucking liar. "If she would of hit you with that your jaw would have been broken."
That was when “The John” turned around and smiled and winked. He then continued down the stairs crying that he wanted to be taken to the hospital and to call the police.
We got the hell out of there because remember... The more you respond to abuse & try to defend yourself, the more you look bad. Plus, no one wanted the cops there because everyone had about a ton of pot on them, especially the owners.
So is it really worth it to stand up for yourself to abusers? Nope, because they’re just insane and no matter what you do, say, or try to win. You can’t ever win so the best part about the whole thing is...
EVERYONE IS RIGHT ABOUT ME
I can’t row a boat, I can’t tie a knot, I can’t cast a rod, I can’t tie a fly, I can’t catch fish. Clients? I pay them to fish with me! They do it all! The fish in my pictures? Computer simulations! When you see me fishing? I’m not really rowing the boat or pulling plugs my husband is in the bushes with remote controls doing the whole thing.
Yup, I’m a big fuckin goddamn fake. In fact I didn’t even write this web site some one else did! You were all right about me. Yes Sirree bob! I’m an ugly, slutty, lesbian, whore and proud of it! I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT FISHING AND WILL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FISHING BECAUSE I’M FREAKIN RETARDED LIKE THE RETARDS I MAKE FUN OF!
Now I know why women don’t fish or don’t fish ALONE. We become targets when by ourselves and I feel bad for all the shit I said about other outdoor women because they are always in the company of love ones or friends. I thought they were wimps but it only took one incident and they're just plain smarter than I. And remember folks...
Abusers only target you when you’re alone and vulnerable.
You guys won and yes I am the loser. Or am I? WARNING IF THERE IS A BLANK SPACE CONTINUE EXPLODER 7 SUCKS
The one with shades I'm seven months preggars and not rowing the boat. Because I don't know how!
I miss them speeders. My wrist rocket grows stiff with age. You know like the opposite for all you geezers out there.
How could I be so cruel and thoughtless? Excuse me! My apologies to all the Native American Folk out there that are offended by my Happy Thanksgiving. I know that Thanksgiving is a reminder of the fact that soon after we broke bread with ya all, we then began to steal your land, kill you off with biological warfare, and then slaughtered you as we chased you across the prairies.
Yes sirree bob! Thanksgiving is all about you! My APOLOGIES!
And now...
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2006
How could I be so cruel and thoughtless AGAIN? Excussssssssssse me!
My apologies now go out to all them Jewish Folk out there that I have just offended by my “Merry Christmas”! I know that Christmas reminds you of the evil Christians that have persecuted you relentlessly to no end and continually murdered & robbed you because you were the only folk allowed to deal with that thing called “devil money” back in the day. For all of you that have no idea what I’m talking about because you are stupid, it was thought to be sinful to deal with money back in the day, so when the coffers went dry for them Christian Lords, they were soon filled with Jewish blood money.
But you know some thing, I’m going to take my apology back, because you all control Hollywood now, and if I have to see one more lame ass formula movie, I’m going to quit going to the theater. That’s right I have! $8.00 for two hours of predictable crap and then $20 for popcorn. Forget about it!
Also, will you just let Tom Cruise’s career die? I’m going to become an advocate & fund raiser for Mel Gibson if you allow one more Mission Impossible to be made. DO YA HEAR ME!
Please note... Tom Cruise is so gay and his pathetic attempts to cover it up with marrying some one even shorter than he is, just doesn’t cut the spermicide. Where’d he find her anyways? Standing in line behind him in the toddler section at Disney Land? Or did he meet her at the “Movie that never made it”, TIME BANDITS TWO?
Ever notice that Tom Cruise has never had any sexual chemistry with any of his leading ladies? Not even his wife Nicole (imagine the suck marks on her breasts if he were straight, it’s not like he can reach her lips)... and if you can’t have sexual chemistry with Rebecca De Moray????? Subway scene? Completely BORING!
How could I be so cruel and thoughtless, again? Excuse me! I know that the Homosexual Community out there would rather turn straight than to claim Tom as one of their own. So Again! My sincerest apologies!
So HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2007
Oops! I just can’t win. Now my apologies go out to all them, hey, wait a minute? My apology only goes out to “the one” Bill Cosby.
Let him back on Sesame Street Damn you PBS! How can a black man be racist against his own race? Ebonics is not a language! Could you imagine the National Anthem sung in Ebonics? Might as well have it yelled into a blow horn in Spanish! Unless they sing it proper with a Castillian or Argentinian accent, it wouldn’t be so bad... Or...
He has won...
The Bachelor of the Month Contest (Nice Brown)
&
The Darkest Fish of the Internet Contest (so far)
(god, I hope I got his name right or was it Jeff?)
The "DARKEST FISH OF THE INTERNET" is back on!
Winner receives one free trip with Miss Angie, whenever she feels like taking the winner, and they have to provide the alcohol.
Ugly fat asses need not apply. Entrants shall include a personal photo of themselves, so she can also be shallow and judge on looks.
Miss Angie tells OLN'S & BARRET PRODUCTIONS's “Fly Fish America” camera crew or how bout just the producer, to shove their cameras up their ass, up on the Thompson River in lovely scenic British Columbia, and go back to Montana where they errr excuse me, he crawled from.
So while I’m making up my pretty little mind on what to address first, I have to talk about one thing and it’s very very important.
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL ON ESPN SUCKS THE BIG ONE
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always looked forward to Mondays. That was the night I was allowed to stay up and watch football with a giant of a man, my father (a high school football coach and defensive coach for UPS and scout). These were some of the happiest times with my father, because it’s not like he took my sister and I fishing or hunting, that was only for boys. Don’t ya know? Yes, dear old dad sucked the big one and could not be held responsible or should it be blamed? for my love of the outdoors.
Yes, the only way this little girl got her dosage of “Little House on the Prairie” was by reading all 9 books, because LHP was on at the same exact time as Monday Night Football. BTW did anyone see Laura Ingalls on Nip Tuck the other night? Nothing like seeing Melissa Gilbert lose a breast to her pitball as he licks the peanut butter from her... yadda yadda yadda.
So I would now like to change the title of Monday Night Football to... Monday Night Budweiser or is it Miller? Advertisements! I guess ESPN is preparing us for the Super Bowl one week at a time. Eh?
And any excuse to throw in a commercial is taken by our boys at ESPN! The referee picks his nose, COMMERCIAL! Heck with looking at them cheerleaders, just throw in a commercial! Oh! And heck with looking at the fans in the stands, throw in another commercial! Yes, we can take it!
And what the hell is with all the player interviews? I have to miss actual play time to watch some bimbo interview some dumb ass???? Let’s see, watch a 30 yard pass play or listen to some jock’s opinion? That’s a no brainer. Well, unless it is Tiki Barber, Peyton Manning or ... Fuck that! (Angie’s first potty word of the day, please note.) If I wanted to listen to dumb studs, I’d go to the gym or take clients out. Ha ha
I just want to go back to watching unadulterated football with a truck or alcoholic beverage shown during the break. I mean commercials have always been an integral part of the NFL Culture but if I’m cleaning my house and seem to be cleaning more than I am watching that’s a bad bad thing. It’s like during the first quarter they want you to turn it off or some thing... I get so disgusted I start to yell at ESPN instead of the players.
And who the hell are the announcers? Okay, we know the African American Guy that actually knows his football is Bryant Gumble’s cousin or the guy from the Food Network and then you have that stupid ex quarterback dude Thiesman who makes Frank Gifford look like a bloody Orator. After the first game of the season I swear I will never ever bitch about John Madden for being obvious again... For example... These are actual quotes, from this Neanderthal...
“You know coaches have to have good plays and plays that work.”
(Otherwise it wouldn’t be football right?)
“A receiver should be able to catch the ball and control it.”
(Would that be a completed pass? You don’t say?)
To be consider a touchdown a player has to go over the line.
(You mean the goal line? You’re kidding!)
"You have to score points if you want to win"
(My personal favorite)
And my favorite announcer that reminds me of them UW Husky Announcers (don’t digress just don’t do it Sorenson just wait till that section)...
You know the guy that has never played football in his life (we’re talking about the type of man I can beat arm wrestling) and then gets all huffy when a player screws up or even pissed when they get hurt calling these Mammoths, “WIMPS”. I mean it’s obvious NFL Players don’t watch their own games because if they even paid attention to what this asshole said the guy would already be a paraplegic.
I remember him commenting on some quarterback getting hurt and he was all happy and calling the guy a wimp. (Fuck you! Get your whiny skinny ass out there you pussy!) Bret Favre a wimp?
Yup, these two guys are so bad that I’d rather listen to... (Can she dare say it?) Curt Warner and Warren Moon!
Speaking of announcers, I heard a gal doing a play by play for last weeks Penn State versus what ever suckass Ivy League College, she rocked. She had a nice voice, made good comments, knew her players and best of all, didn’t state the bloody obvious. I want more of that! And here I thought women sucked whenever they opened their mouths (not dick, boys) during a football game. Susie you know who you are
ONE COMMENT regarding the Cougar’s loss to the Huskies...
If you listen to sports radio while out in Colville hunting, you will notice that the Cougar Commentators, know all the Huskies and their backgrounds right down to their even suckass water boy. While the Husky Commentators called the Cougars “Red Shirts” and had no clue who was who, not even the coach. Kind of shows ya the mentality of the college don’t ya think? Or would that be mental IQ?
ONE FINAL COMMENT
Did anyone know that the reason why the Coug’s mascot isn’t allowed at the games anymore and had to be released back to the wild is due to the Huskies complaining about how cruel it was to do that to a wild animal? Can anyone say “JEALOUS”? Is it our fault that a cougar is cooler than a huskie and packs 200 pounds of force in a blow? What do Huskies do? Oh, that’s right they bark a lot, shed, dig holes, hump grandma’s leg and eat their own poop. Yuck.
ONE FINAL FINAL COMMENT
Brett oh Brett! My heart breaks for thee.............................
Do you think him and Bledsoe cry in the locker room together?
ANGIE VERSUS EVERY SINGLE MAN IN SPENCE’S BRIDGE EXCEPT FOR JW
PONDER THIS...
"If everyone around you says you’re wrong. And you know within your soul you’re right and nature, God and science back you. Are you still wrong? "
Once upon a sunny September, I get a phone call from some guy named Nick Davis of Barrett Productions. You might have seen some of their work. Elk Country Journal, Fly Fish America, Fly Fish the World, etc... You know the show where it’s filmed beautifully but the people aren’t very attractive and look like the waders just came out of the box?. You know the stars, they look like they just stepped out of an Orvis Catalog with an added 40 pounds, starched to the hilt and wear SPF50. Come on people we hunt and fish and want to get a tan. Hello????
You know the shows where we get such witty dialogue to entertain us like...
“That’s a nice fish there. Bob”
“Look at it jump.”
“What fly pattern are you using?”
“Wow John! It’s 8 inches, what a beaut” (and we ain’t talking penis size)
Here's the ex-German-fiancee with a gorgeous Atlantic Salmon. If some of my fellow fishers remember me back in my C&R Nazi Days here's the man that got me into fishing and C&R.
Do we love or hate him for that?
Dr. Fischer! You created a monster.
Oh, And Scott McGarva you faggot. This guy can out cast you with more grace and beauty, making you look like a BEGINNER!. Unlike you however, he cast like that with a heavy sink tip! LOSER!
I remember an episode of “Fly Fish the World” where they had some overweight super model fly fishing the Colorado River. When the producer asked her what fly she was using her response was...
“I don’t know I’ve never been fly fishing before.”
The other women are completely asexual. For all of you that don’t know what that means, it means sexless or a better description would be “SNL’s Pat”. WE all know the type; loose fitting fly clothes that make the figure look like a tent, shoulder length hair, no make up, and pear shaped bodies. You know if I think about it Danielle and I are the only hot girls I know that fly fish. Scary huh?
But our “Nick the Producer” of Barrett Productions, wanted some thing different (I got the feeling this was his first show) and how can you get completely different then by calling me and asking if they can do a show about me being a female fly fishing guide in a manly man’s world. They were going to use a woman with actual experience. Not a good idea and do you know why?
BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HER AND WE KNOW HOW THAT GOES BOYS? DON’T WE?
I AM NOW GOING TO POINT OUT THAT THE SHOW FROM THE BEGINNING WAS ABOUT ME. ALL ABOUT ME BEING A GUIDE AND DEALING WITH MEN’S SHIT.... you’ll see why I’m pointing this out later.
I responded with;
“Have you been to my web site?” yup
“Are you sure you’ve been to my web site?” yup
“Did you really read my web site?” ah hah
My lovely brow raised and went, “okayyyyyyyyyyyy?????”
This should have been my first clue that “Nick the Producer” had a listening problem. And why do men have a hard time listening to me? Is it because they keep staring at my super model figure? Or is my voice as bad as “the Nanny”? You figure it out, or buy my video. That’s right, it would have to stop raining so I can finish it by catching fish. I do believe it rained three inches last night.
So I talked about how I wanted to do the show with “Nick the Producer”. I wanted to show my approach to teaching beginners how to fish for steelhead with a fly rod. We were gonna do two days with me guiding for chum with clients and then two days of me fishing for fun up in BC for monster steelhead and we had to do it this Fall.
Well, when I’m teaching beginners to fly fish for steelhead or even gear fish for them, I like to take them out during salmon season and practice on chum (which some times can kick your ass if fresh enough) then my client/student learns how to deal with big fish. You know what I’m talking about out there. You know who you are people that practiced on chum so when they got into a big steelie they wouldn’t fuck it up. Remember that’s why it took you one season to catch a steelie instead of FIVE.
When playing them big fish everything that can go wrong will and you need to know how to prevent mistakes like... what to set the drag at, how to set the hook, how to slide it up on the beach, yada yada yada... With a spey rod this “Chum Practice” is crucial to a successful steelhead season. 14 to 15 feet of rod and a buckin buck is a lot of shit going down for the beginner and if it’s their first plus 15 pound steelie, that beginner is usually fucked when he’s NEVER LANDED ANYTHING and heart broken for months because they lose it due to THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE NEVER LANDED ANYTHING!
Then the rest of the show was off to meet some fun loving Canadian buddies up on the Thompson River in BC for two days and stay at the famous and historical Steelhead Inn. The Steelhead Inn is cool, if walls could talk I’d sit there and listen for days. Unless you’ve stayed there and know about it, you won’t appreciate the analogy.
I AM GOING TO POINT OUT AGAIN THAT THE SHOW WAS ABOUT ME. ALL ABOUT ME BEING A GUIDE AND DEALING WITH MEN SHIT AND HOW I APPROACH IT....
So here it was the 6th of November, I barely made it home in time from my elk camp. My buddy who we all know and love as “West Virginia Bob” was suppose to be my “elk bitch”again this year and cohort for the show. Bob would have made “Nick the Producer’s” show win an emmy for “Best Comedy” because Bob is funnier than any of the guys on “Redneck Television” and one nasty fucker to boot. Unfortunately for one and all he had just gotten a new job at the last minute, so I had to elk hunt alone and had to find a new cohort fast.
On the day before the shoot, right before I packed up and left my elk camp, I just had to hike across a giant mountain meadow where I was camped or shall I say snowed in at, one last time. The fast melting snow soaked my wimpy hunting boots (remember I had just packed up to leave, so I was wearing fashionable ones). I just had to see if the other elk herd I had been molesting was going to cross the river like they had done every other day at 2:30pm, for the last week. Then I would go back across and watch a 5X6 majestically march along the tree line at 3:30pm and drive home to get ready for the show.
And as usual I was right, there they were.
Yup, this year I lived among the elk for a week in an “elk blind”. I had no fire, no brushing of my teeth, cammie on the old and inexpensive pop up tent camper I was camping in. Why was it inexpensive? So I could leave it there in case I got snowed in... That week I was tracking three small herds. I’ll tell about my hunting ventures, but I’ll tell that tale after this one.
This little one last jaunt of coursed produced a kill (Murphy’s Law was in full affect or shall I call it “the law of chaos”?). So after getting hypothermia (still can’t feel my right big toe, and the middle fingers on both hands), spending the night with a dying elk in old growth timber with two cougars on an island where the river was flooding (four feet higher than when I crossed at first). I made it home just in time to...
Scream and almost kill my husband. My house was a mess. I hadn’t been home for three weeks so you can imagine the carnage of a slob and a four year old home alone. I had told him well, SCREAMED AT HIM to hire some one to clean it before I returned. To my horror, the cheap bastard did it himself, and half-assed of course. I don’t care if I was hunting for three weeks and he had to work 40 hours a week, raise the baby and take care of the homestead. This was important, damn it!
“Nick the Producer” and crew, were going to be there at any minute when I arrived (thank god they were two hours late). I called all my girlfriends and only one showed up and we whipped that place into shape. Unfortunately now Orvis Boy is deaf in both ears. A German and an Italian screaming at you from both sides would make even “Dumbo” deaf.
Right when the house was cleaned, the crew showed.... and a big whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww could be heard along the shores of Puget Sound.
To help envision it for you men out there, open your minds and imagine being filmed by the girls from “Desperate Housewives” and Terri Hatcher is miking you up. Now that sounded “nasty” didn’t it?
“Hey Beavis, Angie said “miking up””.
So they followed me around my house. They shot my messy fly table (“Nick the Producer” just loved the realism), they filmed my five fly rods next to my six gear rods, they filmed my office full of fish and elk pictures, they filmed me getting the trip ready in my gorgeous Tuscany remodeled kitchen, and they filmed my four year old who was hamming it up to no end (to the point of annoyance). Methinks I might want to stick the “attention brat” in beauty pageants after this.
Then JW showed up, one of the rowers for the film crew, and on time. Now JW is the hero of the story and without him who knows what would of happened in BC? JW is a young taxidermist from Enumclaw. His resume includes, steer wrestling, logging, Boone and Crockett Scorer, and like I said some of the most beautiful Taxidermy work I had ever seen. Plus, he was 24, six foot three, wiry, and a cowboy at heart.
Did I ever mention that Miss Angie has a weakness for cowboys? Sing me a George Strait Song (“The Chair”) and dance me around the floor perfectly and I’m yours. You also have to have been a bronco rider, bull rider etc... This was my first crush on a “steer wrestler”.
Oh, and how’d we meet? In Enumclaw, one windy cold ass August day. I was on my period (is that too TMI for ya wimps out there?) and on an elk scouting trip. That morning, I had stupidly asked my dumb ass husband if I should bring my rifle just in case I ran into a bear. He said “No, don’t bother.” I mentioned I was on my period (TMI) and it was bear season. Dumb ass again told me not to bother and did I listen, of course I did! Anddddddd DID MISS ANGIE RUN ACROSS ANY BEARS?
1 Nope
2 I wish
3 Yup, and he toyed with me like a cat does a mouse.
So I felt that I needed to watch some pre season football and have a drink to calm my nerves on the way home, at an old watering hole I use to get into with my girl posse when I was 19. I guess the cammie I was wearing made me an instant success in that bar. Some young bearded kid started talking to me. At first, I had no interest in talking to a kid, till we started talking about hunting and fishing. Underneath the beard I soon recognized most of my boyfriends from high school. We became instant friends.
Back at my house, I introduced JW to the camera crew and was surprised when I heard JW say to Nick, “You’re a weird one, I don’t like you.” It sounded like some thing my grandfather would say to people he had a bad gut feeling about and unfortunately for me, I took no notice.
So “Nick the Producer” did an interview with my husband where Orvis Boy expounded on the following problems I had with men in the fishing community...
1. They don’t listen to me which gets me frustrated
2. They pick on me and I have to stand my ground what am I going to do? Cry? Fuck that!
3. I use a bitchy persona instead of the nicey nice girl persona, because neither one does you any good in the “Male World of Fishing” so you might as well be a pain in the ass.
4. How tough it was on me stress wise, because when I do some thing I have to do it twice as better as a man to get any recognition whatsoever.
5. Since I started guiding I had lost all empathy & patience towards people. I did what I wanted and said what I wanted. This made it tough for him to take me to an executive corporate dinner.
After the interview I was about ready to kill Orvis Boy and do you know why? I could care less about all that emotional stress drama shit.. What I wanted people to know about was how physically demanding the stuff I do is on a woman’s body. How brutal it is to plug for 8 hours and then row class III rapids with two Nebraska Corn Huskers in the front of my boat that I can barely see over.
I didn’t give a shit anymore about being recognized. I gave up a long time ago of ever getting any respect. I let my clients, my posse and my fish speak for me and that’s all I need to do. I seek out new rivers, new waters and boldly go where no woman has gone before. I’d make a big deal about it but hey why?
IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE A TON OF WOMEN BEHIND ME WANTING TO GET IN ON THE ACTION. I’M BREAKING GROUNDS FOR WOMAN KIND FOR MYSELF.
I do believe there was another woman out there that did the same thing but not to my extent. Her name is Joan Wolff. I don’t like her much and hate to say it, I will never become a sell out like her. What do I mean by sell out? She’s just in it for the money not the love. Plus, she does what irritates me most in this hobby, it all goes to her head, I mean I could let my being 100 times the fisherman she is go to my head but as I said before...
It’s fishing and just fishing and if you can’t be good at it than you’re retarded. If you want some thing to go to your head, I’d say finding the cure for SIDS, surfing them psycho waves off Santa Cruz and being the mother of quadruplets is way more difficult and those are the people that can have “the tude”.
So everyone is ready to go after filming me at the house, we loaded up the vehicles and started watching the Patriots beat the Giants???? Can’t remember the other team, but it was a slaughter fest and Tom Brady was looking hot as usual. Two hours later and a couple rounds of beer and pizza we were still awaiting...
What were we waiting for you all anxiously ask?
We were waiting for... the man that was suppose to be there at 3:30 and arrived at 7pm... because he was a prima donna asshole...
Who could it be, Miss Angie? Who could be so rude as to make sure six people would have a late night before a hard day of fishing and filming?
Who else but...
See Davey tan? See Davey next month in my boat rusted! Hee Hee
Oh, Dave Winters with one of the many trophy black tails he's killed!
Remember folks, West Virginia Bob had a new job, my other choice was strung out some where hiding from Homeland Security and their helicopters (don’t ask), and I felt he was the only other guy besides my friends in BC that could fake fly fishing that I got along with.
See “THE JOHN” had been one of my first clients about, what six years ago? (Wow that long ago?) We had done a couple of trips together with out my husband and had fun and caught lots of fish because well we were fishing MY WAY. Eric and I had taught him how to drift fish for steelhead and I had try to teach him how to salmon fish which he sucked at, because well you’ll see...
I use to love “THE JOHN” like a brother and wanted to help him out. He wanted to be a guide so bad, that I figured maybe if “Nick the Producer” found him of interest they’d do a show on the Rogue where “THE JOHN” guided out of. The problem with “THE JOHN” however, was that he was a “ONE RIVER WONDER” and we all know what that is and for all of you that don’t...
It’s the guide that knows everything about everything and can only base his experience on ONE RIVER or in “THE JOHN’s” case two. We can’t forget that pristine river called the Clackamas that runs right next to Metro Portland. He was also one of those guides that I bitch about that don’t have enough experience to be a guide. You know them, they catch 10 steelhead and they want to become instant guide. Be very very weary of the “instant guide”. You can tell who they are because they talk about the same fish over and over again and the one river they fish out of.
Last year, Orvis Boy and I went with John down the Rogue. It was a beautiful river and there were a ton of fish but the sad fact was that “THE JOHN” who had a bad listening problem (don’t think he’s ever done it) wouldn’t plug right. Even after I had shown him how to plug for Chinook the proper way. I mean I got him into 9 monster kings in four hours. Why the hell would ya listen to me?
Now what does Miss Angie mean by not plugging right? Do you all really really want to hear this? And remember, I don’t make this shit up. I couldn’t.
“The John” starts in the middle of the pool, not just in the middle, but in the middle of the river also (yes, we all know that fish lay along the shoreline in slots but not according to “The John”) and the worse thing was that he would zig zag back and forth sweeping the plugs like a whip, instead of running the kwik fish straight at the kings.
I truly believe that “The John” was trying to knock them unconscious by hitting them on the side of the head. Worse part of all, was that he would pull out right at the crucial point of the tail out. Orvis Boy and I after the first day, begged and pleaded for him to let us show him how to do it correctly but I guess “THE JOHN” was a simple kind of man.
“How simple was he?” You all ask.
Catching two kings in a four month season is pretty successful to him and when on the Rogue it isn’t about the fish...
“It’s about the SCENERY.”
No I don’t make this shit up. If I don’t get two kings a day I want to commit suicide “THE JOHN” is wayyyyy the better man than I. He’s the sort of man where it obviously doesn’t take much to make him happy. That’s probably why he lives in the ghetto, makes $15 an hour at the age of 39 and has never been married. It must be wonderful that “the right hand” would satisfy him for the rest of his life instead of a wife.
But I shouldn’t be that cruel, we also caught or shall I say I caught two nominal ½ pound steelhead on my spinners. “THE JOHN” tried to take a picture of me but I adamantly declined. Could you imagine what that would do to my reputation? I will not win my own “Little Cleo Award”. Do you hear me?
So before the trip I lectured John for an hour about the following;
We will not talk about the Rogue
I know you think you know a lot about fishing but this is my “crib” so don’t expound on anything just follow along and crack jokes and look good and do what I say.
“THE JOHN” why do you have to do what I say? You’ve never fly fished classic water before, so we don’t want you to come off stupid do we?
We will also not talk about the two kings you caught on the Rogue over and over again or you will scare everyone, especially the boys in BC.
So now that everything in the story is set up for you my audience, I can tell the tale of such unbelievable events, that some times when I look back on it I don’t believe it myself.
Oh and I have to introduce the camera guys, one camera guy, 25 year old Aaren was a cute tall vegetarian with a good sense of humor and the other camera guys was a hippy dork named John or I dubbed him “Kev Jo” he looked like a fuckin Kevin and if I don’t like you much, I never get your name right. (Except for Richard Garcia, you look like a fuckin Mike) Kev Jo thought JW and I were racist rednecks after we gave up our opinions on Native Netting Rights. He about cried when I went into my “conquered people’s dissertation”. He was trying to help the Klamath Indians to do some thing. I really didn’t give a fuck about it so I have no idea what it was.
So as we trucked on up North to the fertile river beds of the Skagit that’s when it happened, that’s when the worse flood to have ever hit Washington decided to rear it’s ugly head. I had known it had been raining down in the hinter land from my lofty elk camp. But I didn’t worry about it, I love fishing high water for chum, coho and dollies. The higher the better is my experience. I relish when the water is anywhere between 7 to11 feet, but the water got just a tad higher than that this fall and that’s when “Nick the Producer” became “Nick the Curse”.
I guess any show that “Nick the Producer” touches has a “wet problem”, and it ain’t premature. “Nick the Curse” powers are so strong that I think he was a god in another life. Hurricanes happen whenever Nick is around, winds and rains that should never occur down in the tropics appear out of nowhere, islands vanish, New Orleans? Coincidence? I don’t think so “Nick the Curse” was visiting at the time. So if your house was flooded in Northern Washington, you only have him to blame.
And as usual guess who’s fault it really was...
Yup, mine. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT! I was prepared for high ass water but not 56 feet and the biggest flood ever to strike in 100 years. Put it this way we had exactly one hour to make it to Sedro Wooley, least we be stuck at “Clarks Cabins” in the lovely meth town of Marblemount, located in the Cascadian Alps. It took all my muster to keep from grabbing “Nick the Producer” by the ear and throw him into the truck so we could make it. All he kept screaming was...
“What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” and was dancing around like the horny alien from the famous 70s show “Soap”.
Then at breakfast, “THE JOHN” mentioned I should of forseen it, ‘cause I am psychic (a prelude to the next description, I am psycho). JW and I looked at him aghast. Then “THE JOHN” said we didn’t want to catch them moldy old chums any ways (I picked the beginning of November to avoid that issue). We should have been on the Williamette catching kings. And if the show is suppose to be about me being a female guide why the fuck would we go there? So I asked...
“But “THE JOHN” isn’t the Willamette flooded also?”
And it just got worse from there.
Once we crossed the border a strange thing happened to “THE JOHN” it was like he was his own entity. In the space of seconds he was the expert on BC and he had only been there ONCE. As we approached the border he made everyone get rid of their contraband apples and beef jerky and became a paranoid freak. I mentioned that we had normalized relations and they didn’t care but oh no! Not according to him.
The best part of the border crossing was when we crossed the border the crew, except for Aaren who just sat there the whole time smiling, began to yell at me because it was 300 miles to the Thompson. No one believed me that it was in kilometers and it was only 150 miles till we called Orvis Boy and he explained the metric system.
NO I DO NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. Just imagine being me trying to explain what the fuck a kilometer was.
When we got to the Thompson, I told “THE JOHN” to turn right before Spences Bridge to get to the Inn he had never been too, I WAS WRONG AGAIN. Then of course I had to be an insistent bitch as we drove pass the Log Cabin Pub. What do I mean by insistent bitch?
“Turn this fuckin truck around NOW you have no idea where you are going I’ve been up here at least 30 times we have just drove thru Spences Bridge.”
THE JOHN REPLIED... You don’t have to be a bitch about it.
When I rolled down the window to tell “Nick the Producer” that “THE JOHN” had refuse to turn. He replied:
“So ya got us lost there Angie”. “IT” started to build and “THE JOHN” decided to be in charge.
"Thank you again oh little Lord Baby Jesus, for giving us these trophy black tails from swamp land Oregon. May your golden fleece diapers never give you a rash on your tiny little Lord Baby Jesus, apple cheeks".
So when we arrived at “Inn at Spences Bridge” the new owners had stupidly changed the name of the once popular fly anglers hang out for some unknown reason. “THE JOHN” took control and started to spout off a bunch of useless information to “Nick The Producer” who was losing his mind since the chum (a ton of fun) weren’t going to be caught and we had only to rely on monster steelhead that were totally off the bite due to being in the only high pressure zone surrounded by storm after storm throughout the Northwest.
I tried to explained the “bloating bladder bag thing” in English, to “Nick the Producer” who was only taking in “THE JOHN’s” scientific nonsensical dribble. What did the dumb bitch he had chosen to film for four days know about steelhead fishing? She had forced him to fish a flood, drive 300 miles from the BC border to Spence’s Bridge and gotten them lost.
During filming the next day “IT” kept growing. I was getting bitchier and bitchier on film as “THE JOHN” would spout off about fly fishing for steelhead and relay the wrong information and screw up every single scene. The guy was so out of touch or just so stupid I couldn’t figure it out. For example he kept getting the names of the rivers wrong and we had a fight on film about it.
“Here we are on the lovely and blown out Nicola.” I gesture towards the cocoa colored water with stumps floating down it as I was standing with “THE JOHN” below on the bank.
“THE JOHN” then interrupted and stated... “I’m sorry Angie but isn’t that the Nicoman?”
“No, it’s not the Nicoman it’s the Nicola.”
“I hate to disagree, Angie but that’s the Nicoman.” Which we had driven past about 100 km back the night before.
I lose some of “IT”.
“Okay, you idiot, why don’t you walk up that goddamn hillside and read the sign atop the bridge and if it says Nicola, you have to dive off the bridge and swim down here and tell us.”
“Nick the Producer” got pissed and told me to quit being “a bitch”.
I retorted with, “Okay, if you want everyone to think your show is misinformative that’s great but I’m not letting this dumb ass make me look bad.”
Of course I probably didn’t say the above as politely, so this can be called the “tamed version” or let’s call it “Rated G”
This occurred over and over again in every scene, “THE JOHN” would say the wrong thing every time. Each time “Nick the Producer” telling me I’m being “a bitch” whereas I guess “THE JOHN” coming across as a RETARD and saying the most ridiculous shit was okay. But then “Nick the Producer would never know that “THE JOHN” was a retard till it was too late. And do you know why he didn’t recognize that “THE JOHN” was being the one river wonder retard that he is...
Because “Nick the Producer” didn’t seem to know anything about steelheading either and both of them were trying to fake it. Worse of all, they wouldn’t listen to me and what happens when ya don’t listen to yer guide, the only one that knows the river and her habits? What happens when you ignore the only person that has been there when you haven’t? And in guide, I mean not for money, if anyone in the BC Mounties reads this. I have no rod days in BC this was all a personal trip.
So again what happens when the producer and your cohort don’t listen and the cohort becomes the World’s expert on the Thompson...? And he’s never been there, never caught a steelhead on the fly, and catches two to four kings and charges people for it in four months?
Hey, don't I have one of these on my new farm? Hee Hee
One morning, the camera crew began to follow “THE JOHN” down the little cliff to “John’s Rock”. Instead of taking the easy trail where I was heading, and one of the camera men KevJo twisted his knee and I believe ruined a $20,000 piece of equipment.
As I yelled laughing with JW...
“Ya might want to follow me I’ve been here at least 25 times and “THE JOHN” has never seen this place before in his life. Don’t follow me! That would be stupid.”
I yelled and we waited. Then I informed “THE JOHN” not to fish the two foot tail out of John’s Rock because no way in hell a 20 plus pound steelhead would lay there.
For four hours we watched and they filmed “THE JOHN” fishing a two foot tail out. Where he swore he got take down after take down. JW and I snorted off my flask and just laughed our asses off. Aaren joining us, but not too much (he had filmed steelhead before and knew they never cooperated.) “Nick the Producer” started to get “crazy eyes.”
For the rest of the filming, we never got the river names right but I sure can smile on film. I never knew that my smile could be larger than Julia Roberts. That scares me.
The last straw was a tail out above a rapid that I love to fish. The steelhead come out of a long ass rapid/downgrade and rest in the tail out. If the water is low enough they hang out for awhile and you can see them and site fish for them.
JW and I spotted three huge chromers. Sitting 10 feet off of shore surrounding a yellow colored boulder, totally obvious to us but not to “THE JOHN” who told “Nick the Producer” we were making it up. I explain how we were going to shoot the scene, of course “Nick the Producer” getting mad because I was telling him what to do while “THE JOHN” said it never worked.
As I stood atop the bank I yelled instructions at “THE JOHN” on how far to cast. To JW and my amazement a huge hen was following the small purple fly “THE JOHN” had stolen from my fly box. It followed the fly four times to shore as I screamed encouragement and told “THE JOHN” to shorten his line by two feet because she was going for it, he let out four feet, smiled and lined the fish. JW and I were horrified and realized he was being retarded on purpose.
I of coursed yelled at him and got yelled at in turn by “Nick the Producer” for being “a bitch” again. I suggested to “Nick the Producer” that the chemistry was wrong between “THE JOHN” and I and that JW should be my cohort. “Nick the Producer” told me no and to just quit being a bitch. This was starting to “wear on me.”
“But he did it all on purpose Nick, and I don’t know if I can control myself if he keeps acting like a dumb fuck. He’s ruining every scene on purpose and if anyone that knows anything about steelheading watches this show their going to laugh at you.”
“Nick the Producer” started to see reason (probably watched the footage) and we all went out drinking. We played pool and got drunk early because I needed some sleep, since I hadn’t slept much for the last four days. As we all joked around at “The Log Cabin Pub” where all my old friends from long ago, gave me hugs and we chatted about the last four years, “THE JOHN” sat all alone in a corner by himself, sulking and getting this weird insane look on his face.
That night I went to bed early. I guess the boys stayed up drinking and “THE JOHN” had a field day on me. He was so bad that JW went to bed early and told him to “fuck off.” I guess around midnight I got a visitor. “Nick the Producer” was on the edge of my bed and needed to talk. I told him not tonight, I was exhausted and if I didn’t sleep I would die. He left asking me if I needed anything to just come on over!
Then an hour later “THE JOHN” charged thru the door. There had been a note on it that “Scotty and Marty would arrive in the morning and to wait for them because they had gotten stuck in Vancouver.”
“THE JOHN” asked me what it meant.
I told him to read it and get the fuck out because if I woke up all the way there was no sleep for me that night (I get insomnia). He again yelled at me...
“What does this note mean?” I couldn’t believe this was happening and now I was fully awake.
“What the hell do you think it means you dumbass? Can’t you read?”
He asked me again three more times and I threw a wooden goose at his head and told him to get out. I was then fully awake. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep I went to his room and began to enter it over and over again with the note. Asking...
“What does this note mean John? What does it mean?” till he locked the door. Do ya think I was gonna let the bastard sleep when he woke me up and I couldn’t? This was war.
This was the beginning of the end...
Brought to you by none other than John Koenig Guide Service on the Skagit River. Is this the sixth time in a row now?
It doesn't get any better than that ey, folks??????
Where...
“The John” ties 7 knots in Angie’s anchor rope between the pullies that can't be removed without a screw driver
“The John” steals Angie’s Oars
“The John” breaks her float rod
“The John” empties all her propane tanks
"The John" tries to break into her truck and breaks the door.
(Oh, and please when booking a trip on the Rogue River, try not to book with anyone named John. That's just my opinion folks. hee hee. Four fish in four months does not make for a good guide methinks????)
And when
“Nick the Producer” tells Angie to quit being a bitch and if she isn’t nice to “The John” he’s going back to Montana. (What will Angie do? Did she cry or did??????)
Angie tell him to stick his cameras up his ass and to go fuck himself back in Montana? You wasted my time you bug eyed mother fucker and worse of all you ruined my elk hunting trip. I asked you if you had read my web site and you obviously didn’t. I don’t kiss ass or change my spots for anyone! Not even tv.
Merry Christmas one and all! Let's all put a Midora next to the ol' tree shall we?
Anyone notice that SEAHAWK STADIUM was the only Stadium not decorated this year. FUCK YOU LIBERALS GO BACK TO THE ROCKS YOU CRAWLED FROM! WHY OH WHY DOES WASHINGTON ATTRACT THE PC DUMBASSES? WHY GOD WHY????
Aren't my daughters gorgeous? Them soulless black piercing eyes and pouty lips scare even me.
They get whatever they want from the male species? I wonder why?
Orvis Boy bought me a farm at the base of the foothills of Mt. Rainier. I have a professional greenhouse (hee hee), a huge barn, a six car shop, my own lake, elk herd and I’m surrounded by a wet land containing some of the biggest trophy black tails/coho in the Northwest.
Southwest Washington, watch out. It’s your turn to get tortured or molested by Miss Angie. I have a feeling my web site will be turning more towards the hunting side of things also in the next few years.
Hey, my body is way better than hers. Would that be good advertisment for my own taxidermy business?
Not only do I have my own farm with the professional green house, hee hee... I have a huge shop where I am starting a fish mounting shop. I will out do everyone in the fish mounting field due to the following reasons...
1. I've seen more different species of fish and caught more than most taxidermists (they are mostly hunters)
2. I've always been an artist and have an eye for color and can paint anything. Did you know only 1 out of 1,000 can even draw?
3. I'm making my own molds so you don't have an ucking steelhead that looks like a 20 pound bass. Yes, your fish will be its own dimensions and it's exact color. Ever notice most mounts are never the right color or width either?
4. When will I start taking orders? When I'm done with my own mounts. Right now I'm working on my 23 or was it 25 pound coho.