Got a difference of opinion? Bring it on...
Angie@thefishingoddess.com
Want to email me how much you love or hate me? Please note my new email address. You too can be cool like me and have a "fishingoddess" email account. Actually, that would never happen but it can't hurt.
I WILL POST THEM ON MY SITE WITH WITTY AND TASTELESS COMEBACKS TO EMBARRASS YOU SO BE WARNED... YOU BRING IT UPON YOURSELF...
EMAILER BE WARNED!!!
THIS SITE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK AND SENSITIVE OUTDOORSMAN!
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED THEN GET THE HELL OFF OF MY SITE!
MISSION STATEMENT...
Just look at me as the self proclaimed warrior against yuppies and geeks taking over our beloved outdoor sports and ruining them by jacking up the prices, scaring the game, getting in our way and worse of all having to look or deal with these dumbasses.
MENTAL NOTE...
When we refer to fly fishermen and we are making fun of them we are refering to Purist Fly Fishermen or what I'd like to call...
DESIGNER FLY FISHERMEN
SECOND WARNING...
My web site is not a reliable source of information. All content is based on hearsay, my personal opinion and fiction. None of these facts are checked by anyone not even me. In fact most of the time I can't even tell what is reality or what I dreamed last night. Yes, my dreams are that real.
COUNTER FROM MY SITE STATISTIC'S PAGE
1,056,792 viewers... That's about 27,000 hits a week folks. WOW, OVER A MILLION HAVE SEEN MY WEB SITE!
SCARY ISN'T IT?
My My My... A lot of people just READ my site. What about the rest of yous fishing sites? That's right they just come there to post bullshit on forums and no one reads what you really have to say.
What does this mean? That you're about as entertaining as silt on a river rock. Oh OUCH!!!! If I had a forum to estimate my site number just quadruple it if you want to accurately compare me to other sites
And not because of the above picture...
What was the quote my favvvvoriteeeee client sent me? I want to meet their sisters?
Yup, that picture speaks a thousand words and if any man of similar build out there wants to send me more “Full Monty Fish Porn” I’ll post it and show my ever loving gratitude by singing your praises. So if you’re hot, blonde, cut and ripped please email me a naked picture of yourself with a chrome bright steelhead hiding your privates to the following email address;
Angie@thefishingoddess.com
I know we’ll have a “Naked Men Fishing Page” winner gets a free trip just like the darkest fish contest.
Did I just come up with a new calendar idea? I’d buy one in a heart beat. As long as the men holding the fish are models. It’s not like I want to see any of the guides I’ve seen out there naked, except for...
John Koenig
Jim Richardson
Jim Mansfield
Guy Ruble
Alan Skagit Guide Something
Guides I WOULD NOT want to see naked...
Dennis Dickson the man that put spaghetti into arms
Bob Ball the man that put the dough into roll
And all them other bearded fatties out there ewwwwwwwwwwwwww....
Now if a naked woman were to pose with a fish... Okay, that is just too gross and I’m going to end the thought right here and now. STOP
Now that the raunchy part of the rant is done.
Let’s start the ranting!
I have a few things I’d like to complain about and most of all I’m going to complain about all this damn rain we’ve been having. You can call them “Winter Storms”, you can call them “Squalls” but I’m going to call them the “Only thing keeping me home right now.”
I guess I could go skiing but I’m too embarrass to hit the slopes in my outdated gear and skiis. I’ll look like them old people I use to make fun of wearing red, white, black or blue back in the 80s and early 90s. I was so cool back then in my neon pink and green snow bunny outfits of old. You could see me gracefully and expertly traversing moguls from hundreds of miles away I even think the Satellites could pick me out. Come on folks! Who has a neon colored ski parka in the back of their closet? Let’s see a show of hands.
Yup, I should be skiing butttttttt with all this work crap going on I’m having a hard time adjusting. I work late at night, sleep in, get awaken by a toddler thrashing my head with an empty baby bottle and by the time I get going its 1pm in the afternoon. Now are all of you understanding why I haven’t been ranting much?
I’m ever so sorry but working at night has made me miss out on my favorite time to write and that’s first thing in the morning. That’s when I come up with my best stuff, later on in the evening I’m just a vegetable especially after a three hour work out.
RYAN PETZOLD ALIAS SPARKEY ALIAS LOSER
If you see this boy on the river bank feel free to give him a hearty "THANK YOU" for not being able to take your steelhead out of the water for that trophy picture.
Stay tuned for sightings of the other two losers that proposed the ruling for next year (2004-2005)...
Hey, isn't this fish being held out of the water?
But since the above picture reminds me of the proposal process. Here's some other proposals I'd like to discuss today... because I think that my brethren who...
“go fishing, catch a lot and actually know what is going on because we live it, breathe it and love it.”
or for all of yous out there...
THE REAL FISHERMEN
we can make a difference especially with me as your leader... I mean if that dork in the above picture can get such a stupid proposal passed...
The beauty of it all is that I’m not some psycho activist that believes in total catch and release (if the fish are so uckin endangered close the damn river) and believe that you do have the right to eat your fish or THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE! That we should come up with our own proposals and make our own stand!
I believe that I am an expert witness on most of the streams in the Northwest since I have fish them all on a regular basis but I do have some weakness in the Marine Areas. So if you have any suggestions (I know I know open up Area 7) feel free to email me your suggestion with substantial data to & argument about why this or that regulation should be changed, the time the fishery is open should be or should not be extended blah blah blah
For example;
We seem to be having a problem at Buoy 10 and at Seiku where we have to catch and release native coho salmon. In the process of releasing such native coho many are killed by charters and guides because they do not release them promptly (let them die on the decks) or leave double hook set ups in their mouths. My solution?
Close the fishery if they are so ucking endangered
A more practical solution that will make everyone happy...
Allow a limit of one native coho. The minute a coho is touched it goes on someone’s punch card they are done fishing. Since so many native coho are killed by being hooked the mortality rates will be the same, the fishermen will be happy (you mostly catch natives while salt fishing anyways) and you get the same statistics or we can do something ever so evil to guides and charters...
Have their clients fish with barbless jigs. OH THE HORROR! OH THE COST!
Like I said... These are great proposals brought up by a perfect proposer.. Don’t ya think?
(Hey, isn’t that just like that law that any salmon that is put into the boat has to be intended for kill? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm)
Oh and one more rant before we talk about something close and dear to my heart...
Angie can you please interpret this?
OKAY THE MUCKLESHOOTS WANT THE WHITE MAN TO PAY FOR THEIR HATCHERY SO THEY CAN NET THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND WE GET TO FISH IT FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS AND PAY FOR IT ALL!
Yup, folks and the WDFW stance on it? Close it. It costs 1.5 Million to do the three day fishery count anyways.
My stance?
How the hell does it cost 1.5 million to count the fish (I’ve never had my fish counted but I use an unknown boat launch)?
How the hell does it cost 1.5 million to count the boats by plane?
Here’s a clue, pay me 10% of what you pay a government contractor to fly over Lake Washington and I’ll save you a bundle. I’ll hire Kenmore Float Planes for $200 an hour and fly over everyone and count with my little itty bitty finger, a bic pen and a yellow note pad worth $3.00.
I say close it and would like to ask the question. Since the Cedar isn’t part of the Green River Duwamish system anymore then why do the Muckleshoots have jurisdiction?
Speaking of natives...
DON’T YOU LOVE THAT BLACK AND WHITE COMMERCIAL ABOUT THEM BEING THE HARBINGERS OF NATURE?
When are they the harbingers of nature? When they have a day off from running their beloved casinos? Wouldn’t it be
Harbingers of the gambling addicted white man? Actually, them white men deserve to lose all their monies. Anyone that would gamble at a native casino where the slots are tighter than an unborn virgin in an ovary, should lose all their monies.
Here’s a clue... TAKE THE MONEY YOU’D LOSE AND FLY TO VEGAS
A good time will be had by everyone.
So here is my fishing tips for February. Some of you think it’s too cold to fish in February. That’s great because...
It’s big fish month so hide in your little hovels till April you idiots.
Bait and big plugs just ROCK... You can figure the rest out.
The article called “Kill Bill” had a special meaning to me and I know to others like me.
The article was about a gentleman that went to the Kispiox and noticed a sign placed on a huge saw in the town of Kispiox that said “FOR BILL HERZOG'S TRUCK”. The curious gentleman asked the locals about it and they told him the following;
Ever since Bill Herzog promoted the Kispiox in STS magazine it’s turned into a combat zone a complete and utter zoo.
Now Now my brethren in lovely BC you just can’t blame Bill Herzog for such an indiscretion. It’s not his fault that in his quest for book sales and boosting his own ego that he pimped out one of the best rivers known for monster summer runs. He didn’t mean to ruin the getaway of a few that dared drive the 20 hours from Washington to fish for pigs in solitude. He didn’t mean to do it.
He didn’t mean to do it and either did the following;
EVERY FLY FISHING MAGAZINE (ESPECIALLY GERMAN) IN EUROPE DID IT AND OUR FAVORITE MAN OF THE HOUR
BOB BALL
It kills me that every time guys like Bob Ball, some big mouth fly fishing freak or Bill Herzog writes about a sacred fishing place that most ignoramous would never dream of ever going to will start to go because if they can do it.... The real poignant part about all this is...
When they can’t fathom why on earth the next year that they go that there are hundreds of others fishing. They can’t fathom it at all.
Isn’t that sad?
Isn’t that pathetic?
And the best part is... They get no money for it just fame. What kind of fame? The worse kind.
Love the gut you should of had them air brush that out.
You’ll see where I’m going with this and I title this excerpt...
“I’M IN A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND”
Don’t you hate people from NYC? Don’t they just get on your fucking nerves? Did you all know that the whole world, the whole universe the whole everything revolves their fair and dirty city and it is...
ALL ABOUT THEM (don’t believe me watch Sex in the City)
Food was invented in New York, Fashion was invented in New York (because it certainly wasn’t hair styles. Good god will they ever get out of the 90s?) and with out them civilization as we know it would cease to exist.
I get so sick of the way they think that what they do, what they say and what happens there affects the rest of the planet. Here’s a thought... If your gross disgusting skyscrapers fell into a sink hole or if Godzilla really did destroy you
NOT ONE PERSON WOULD NOTICE AND WE WOULD BE RELIEVED!
(can you tell I hate know it alls?)
So I get this email from some weird fat chick you can tell she’s fat because she knows everything...
I thought the gal was kind of sweet but something was kind of weird. She toted herself as a famous fly fishing article writer (only mentions a NYC Fly Fishing Rag which rates up there with our Fishing and Hunting News though she doesn’t know that that’s a bad thing... ha ha ha). She writes all about guides and destinations. I began to feel sorry for her having to fish in New York City till I thought about it. Here we have some gal that has only caught one Striper Bass and stated things like...
“I believe that New York will one day become a World Class Fishery” (I know I died laughing too.)
“I eat fish from New York Harbor. (I know this must explain it)
“Catherine Hooker is a model. (I thought models were attractive that’s right anyone compare to Becky)
“I can’t double haul. (WHAT?)
So here we have some wannabe giving fly fishermen all around New York giving advice about guides (she interviews them what questions she must ask, I’m afraid that even I don’t want to know.) and destinations. Hey, didn’t I just talk about “Fishing Whores”?
Why would this make me pissed? Because my fly fishing brethren, you are being led by so many goddamn idiots that it is no wonder you don’t catch anything and make complete asses out of yourself half the time. You have complete and utter morons from New York that can’t even double haul, think New York can be a world class fishery (I know for toxic carps) and know absolutely nothing about rivers, lakes or streams because folks...
THEY’VE NEVER BEEN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY CAN’T EVEN AFFORD OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO LEAVE THE GODDAMN CITY.
I’m dead ucking serious people... Next time you read “COPY” about some resort or some guide really think about it. You could have had Miss Becky from Manhattan (more likely the Bronx) writing the article and she can’t even double haul. Well, doesn’t the picture tell it all? It took her 12 hours to catch one little striper bass
Enjoy the excerpts from our emails...
Where can I find your rant on Catherine Hooper? I could use a good laugh.
I walked in one day to Urban Angler about a year ago and this chick (later learned name was Catherine Hooper) treated me like I was dirt but fawned over the dudes that walked in. Now, prior to Ms. Hooper's arrival, I had used Urban Angler as a source for several articles and invited them to join me in a segment of NYC flyfishing and I probably plucked down at least a grand there buying stuff. (So to blow me off ws not only providing bad customer service but alienating yourself from some free press coverage.)
So, I made a note to find out if this chick was legit or not. In skimming the web, I found almost no info. here sans the Fish & Fly spread. Given the placement of the rods and bonefish and the lack of clothing, I couldn't tell if I was reading a fishing mag or porn. (I have since found out that these pics were taken in the Bahamas, BTW.)
As an avid flyfisher and writer (one of the topics I cover is flyfishing with a focus on NYC/Long Island), I have campaigned to get chicks in bikinis off the cover of fishing magazines - not that I want to see Ted Williams in a Speedo (thanks though for the pic of the dude on the website) but as you know to put the dude in the proper gear and then the woman in a silver string bikini sends the wrong message. In fact, I blasted Conde Nast Sports for Women for running their lovely fishing article "The Happy Hooker" (the rag has since closed thank goodness). That's not to say we're slobs - I carry lipstick in my fishing vest and try to look my best esp. if I'm being photographed and I can tell you're the same way.
Great site BTW.
Becky
Actually I liked the pictures of Cathy Hooker. Only thing wrong with them were the bad captions and she had a big butt. I hate women posing in bathing suits with big butts. I think Becky was really jealous.
Actually I am developing a niche re: writing about urban adventures - my improv teacher and publishing contacts are here, so for now, I feel called to stay. There's a lot that can be done to develop NYC into a world class fishery - for starters keeping the Baymen from coming back - two seasons of commercial fishing here and we can kiss recreational fishing goodbye. (Yes, I eat fish but NY Harbor can't take any more commercial traffic). I also sail in the Harbor with the Schooner Pionner a 102-ft 1885 year old historic schooner as a crew member - so I see how much fun (and money) is made by keeping these waters available for recreational use.
The future, who knows?
Becky
She’s not serious is she? Would an Urban Fly fishing adventure consist of traversing the bad neighborhoods along the Hudson River and keeping the gangsters away from your sage rod? Or is it being able to endure the taunts of the ghetto children as they laugh at your outfit?
This week I just sold another NYC fishing article to In Fisherman and Shallow Water Angler (working out the details) and got some major nibbles re: a book proposal about fishing in NYC (even if this doesn't materialize, it's cool news) don't need Urban Angler to do this piece but I am selective regarding where I voice my concerns about Cathy - the last thing I need is for rumors of a cat fight to surface. Blah.
I didn't go to the 2002 Fly-fishing Show (went to the 2003 one - tend to go to these about every other year), so I missed the signing party. As a writer what annoys me is when anyone sets themselves up as an expert when they're full of crap. I don't view myself as a fly-fishing expert, which is why I have a long list of fishing guides that I interview - I know enough about fly-fishing to know when I'm being handed junk. I rank my skills as advanced intermediate because I have yet to master the double haul - also as I don't own a boat here in NYC, I am reliant on guides for any fly-fishing to areas not accessible by the shore.
I'm enclosing a pic of me with my first stiper - caught off the coast of Nantucket, MA at 5:30 in the morning in May 1999. If it had been a few hours later, I would have taken off the sunglasses and put on lipstick but we had been fishing since 4am and I was exhausted but exhilerated.
Becky
I guess there’s a lot of material for an actual book about fishing in NYC. I’m completely and utterly speechless. I just love how she is so stupid that she relies on so many other expert guides for information. I know she’s writing a book of “quotes” from NYC’s top guides!
Nah - the words prostitute and Tom Pero (assuming this is the Fish & Fly editor kind of says it all ... I was appalled that he ran this article esp. when I found out the photos were not taken in the Seychelles but the Bahamas.
Looks like she's kind of prostituing herself agin at Urban Angler. It appears that she locked into this sweet albeit a bit nebbish Jewish guy that was an easy prey and got him by the balls literally. After Jon Fisher (yes, that's the name) took over the store from his dad and the next thing you know I get an invite from her (at that time I was a women's fishing group) to attend the opening of the new location of "her" store. He's a sweet albeit a bit nebbish Jewish guy that you could tell wasn't very successful with girls, so it's to lead him around and even get him to take porno pics of you. (As I noted, I have worked with Jon on several articles and he's always managed to provide information that was accurate and pictures that told the story without being porn.)
I didn't go to the NJ FlyFishing Show this year but when I went last year, the scuttlebut is that Jon is p-whipped and that the store is suffering from it - they moved the focus from local travel to high end exotic trips, when most people want to fish the NYC waters or maybe a local day or weekend trip. And while some guys relish the attention (there were lines at the 2002 show to have her sign their Fish & Fly cover) most guys will tell you they want to keep their porn and fishing separate.
Fortunately, the Orvis store is under new management and Paragon Sports expanded their flyfishing department - so we have places we can go here in the city when we need something now and it's too late to place an online order And it looks like she hasn't done any articles and her agent dumped her since this piece so the word gets around. None of the guides want to dish her in a public forum as many of them got some free PR on her website. My policy as a writer is if I think you suck as a fly-shop or a guide, I simply don't quote you in my article (though I do have to include the listing in the resource sidebar or my editor will have my ass in case they call.)
Keep me posted re: any future projects - I don't cover the Northwest but I'm always interested. Assume you're saving stuff even after you pull it off the web - there is definitely a book here. Becky
Man, if she hates Catherine that much she must really hate me especially after the emails I sent her.
Now I know you’re all thinking, these aren’t that bad. She’s just another wannabe one fish wonder dumbass that doesn’t know squat and I felt sorry for her too, but then something clicked inside my head. Something that made me so pissed off that I just lost it. She was what I hated most in this world. She was one of them one fish forum wonders that I constantly made fun of and told them to “shut the fuck up.” So why was I being nice to her? Because she was a pathetic woman? So I let her have it Angie style and held nothing back in the bitchy department.
You won't be able to develop a niche. No one wants to read about urban adventures. It sounds absolutely horrid. Just being honest.
"I walk down to the end of the pier. The Hudson was running clear today it was just chocolate brown instead of shit brown and had less hypodermic needles and floating tampons than usual. I casted 15 feet because I can't double haul and WHOA and behold I caught a 20 pound carp on a white garbage fly."
And that my dear is what true fishermen think about NYC fishing. Why don't you go fishing in the real world (where there's wilderness and fish), learn how to cast, catch a shitload of fish and then write about it. Otherwise your like all them dorks on the internet that irritate my friends and I.
A novice talking shit.
Why don't you write about being a beginner? And don't write about all your heroes in New York. The real fly fishing community has never heard of any of them either. I'm starting to think that this "New York is the Center of the World Mentality" does exist now. And yes, I've been there the only thing you have to offer the world is shopping and good food.
A
Do not eat the fish out of NYC Harbor do you know what's on the bottom of it?
She responded with a...
“I don’t care what you think.”
You should care. With your lack of knowledge you wouldn't know a good fishing destination, what constitutes a good guide if it bit you on the ass. People will be able to tell in anything you write. I would hate to see what guide you would think was good. Probably someone that caught two steelhead a year. To you that's a lot because you've never caught any fish.
See you don't even know what makes a good fisherman in what area because you don't know anything. You don't write, I've never heard of you and you'll never make it. Sounds like you write copy to me.
The blind leading the blind. Go out, get off the computer or your word processor and live it. Only then will anything you write be worth a shit. You're just like those stupid bitches on the sidelines at a football game. Like they know dick.
Until you lose the status of wannabe anyone that's anyone will be able to tell.
Even Catherine could write circles around you.
Now that's a low blow.
Good luck. You're gonna need it.
You crack me up. Like you even know what a good guide is. Ha ha ha ha I gotta put your emails up your a perfect example of ignorance.
Angie :)
She then responded that she was going to do an article about female fishing guides for “the fishing and hunting news of NYC”. Wow! I’ve always wanted to be in that magazine. I’ll frame it and put it in my office. I really can’t believe that she’s in any magazine at all. How could she be?
She also said I have no editorial disposition. She’s right. You want to know where I fish and how I catch them? Pay me a million dollars or fuck off, like I’m telling you so I can find people there next season.
sure you're doing an article about female guides, I bet I'll read all about it in that pretend magazine you write for.. by the looks of your picture you are just one of them know it all fat chicks that does something once and she knows everything.
Ahhhhh comparing yourself to Joan Wolfe now, ey? Joan Wolfe can fish and implement a double haul. That's something that takes coordination. None of which a fat chick like yourself would have.
Did you ever wonder why Catherine Hopper ignored you? You're one of them weirdo wannabes hun. Again waiting for a magazine you've been published in.
Doesn't matter about my temperment my little buddha woman. I have experiences and adventures you could never acheive or realize because
You are not attractive or knowledgeable and no real fisherman would give you the time of day.
I can write circles around you. The NE is a cesspool, btw but how would you know different you've never been anywhere.
I love insulting the intolerably stupid but alas I got all the material I need out of you.
Thanks a bunch and if you'd actually fish you might learn to double haul. I can't believe you can't double haul.
Do you walk around with an L on your forehead?
HeeHee
thanks for the picture you remind me of doucherd (hey, isn’t that two know it all freaks from New York City now?)...
A
About my editorial disposition. You're right I don't lay on back and spread my legs waiting for an editor to penetrate me. I am am who I am and that's all that I am.
wait....
that's popeye.
But I think you get the point.
btw, the editors in the NW do not seem to have a problem with me. at least when it comes to fishing with me. I mean, who wants to sell out a river or worse sell out by pumping up some stupid destination resort. Give me a -ucking break. Oh yeah, the editors in the NW also realize what business they are in, DO YOU?
OH GOOD GOD I GOTTA GO! Here’s a brilliant story written by Orting Boy. We went fishing last month and found the lower Skagit and Sauk one big sand box. Only thing missing were our buckets and shovels. Orting Boy kept wanting to build mounds and run match box cars through them. He’s so goddamn immature.
I think Orting Boy captures my quintessenel essence? Don’t you? Hey, did I spell that write? Who the hell cares?
One Friday I was sitting at my computer here at work when I got the little incoming mail notification. So I stopped what I was doing and checked the inbox. It was a quick little note from Angie. “Blah, blah, blah,……… booby ball-less, …… blah, blah, blah, jenni @ ifish, ……. blah, blah, blah, ……. designer fly-fags, …..blah, blah,… by the way. Going to do some bank fishin’ tomorrow. Water might be high, but still might go. Let me know if you want to go.”
So I figured that I really didn’t have much else to do on a cold-ass Saturday mornin’, I decided to go. Got home after work and called the Goddess and asked when and where she wanted to meet. She was still workin’ out babysitting details so she said she would call me back.
A couple of hours later the phone rang, and it was her. She said she had it all planned out, but there was kind of a catch. OrvisBoy would be watchin’ the kid and he needed the truck so I would need to come get her. I forgot about the little fender bender she had up on highway 530, and her truck wasn’t back from the shop yet. Anyway, no problem. I told her I could do that and we agreed that I would pick her up around 4:30 AM.
Next mornin’ I pick Angie up and we headed for the river. We both grew up in the Puyallup valley and graduated high school the same year, so needless to say we had a lot to talk about. We mainly gabbed about how fucked up the Puyallup valley is nowadays. How my hometown of Orting is just being completely taken over by land development. We agreed that maybe if the mountain did blow up it would wipe out the entire valley, and then we could start over. Blah, blah, blah…..
We got to the first hole in the dark and got our gear ready and headed for the river. “I hope the floods didn’t screw up this part of the river, because this is a killer steelhead hole.” Boasted the ever-confident Angie. I was following her through the darkness, when she just stopped walkin’, and I ran right into her. “SHIT!” she was pointing the flashlight to some spot on the bank. “There is no fuckin’ trail here…. Where’s the fuckin’ trail?” she shines the light right in my face as she asks this. “Hell, I don’t know! This is my first time to this spot, you’re the guide.” All I heard was a “Smartass”, from her, and we proceeded up the “trail”. The floods had completely washed out the bank, and the trail went with it.
Like I said, I was following her up the “trail”, so every so often I could hear a soft, “Goddamn floods,” then it would be quiet. “…..did I mention how much I hate floods?…..” Yes, you have my dear.
We hacked our way to the bank only to find that the hole was completely filled in with silt, and there were two logs jammed up right in the middle of the drift. The sun isn’t up yet, but there is more light now, and I can see the disgusted look on Angie’s face. She was pissed. “Well, I’m sorry we had to fight the brush all the way back here. But this hole is screwed.” Then she described to me where the drop-off, and the bucket should be. Just happened to coincide with the logs. Not to mention that the water was high, but it coulda been fishable. So off we scampered to the next hole.
Got to the next spot and waddaya know, it was hammered as well. But it was still fishable. So the same comments about floods that were made at the last hole, were brought back up at this one. But with a bit more vigor. We were makin’ our way to the bank, and Angie advised me of a spot where she had almost sank to her hips in the mud just months earlier. So she hops across the muddy spot between to silt bars and sinks just past her ankles. Well, Angie only weighs about 115. I am 6’ 5” and weigh 245, so you do the math. Needless to say I was up to about my knees in silt. But I managed to get unstuck. Angie baited up and tossed the clump of eggs just above the crease and followed the drift with her rod. Nothin’. Next cast, same spot, different results! Down went the rod, once, twice…. JERK!! For a moment I thought I was standin’ next to Bill Dance, with that hookset. But the fish was on, and after a short fight we landed it. I held up a barely 10 pound buck hatchery brat. “Well that sucks.” Angie says as she works the hook out of its mouth.
“What does?” I hesitantly ask.
“These wussy little half-salt fish.”
“Not even gonna give ‘em a full-salt status are ya?”
“Nope” She said, and we release the fish back to the water. That was all that was said about that. So we decided to move upriver.
We were coming out of the woods from the river, when a car pulled up. Angie politely flipped them the bird and started up the bank. An older gentleman got out and approached us. All I could think of was,.. Buddy keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you. But it was no use. “So, you guys catch anything?”
“Nope.”
“Is the water up?”
“Yep.”
“Nice day to be on the water.”
No answer.
Almost to the truck, and I hear Angie mutter, “Creepy-ass fly fishermen.” Imagine that, I thought. Dude shows up in a rental car with $5,000 worth of fly gear in the back seat. He just happened to pick the wrong chick to ask about fishin’.
In the truck, “Now do you see why most fly fisherman are gay?” I just nodded my head. Oh boy did that dude open a can of worms. The next spot wasn’t more than ¾ of a mile up the river. But I got an ear full of all things gay in the fly fishing community. The best part is though, I am thoroughly enjoyin’ the shit out of this mornin’.
Next spot was completely silted in just like the first. I just happened to mention that the Corps of Engineers was probably letting a lot of water out of the dams due to the rains and such. Oops! Not a good thing to mention. “Fuck the Corps of Engineers, Fuck the rain, Fuck the floods, Fuck fly fisherman, Fuck you, Fuck everyone!” Remember this was just two friends fishin’. So she was entitled to rant and rave. I’ve been with her when she was guiding and she is very professional. Glad this was a non-guide type trip, because I was pushin’ a couple of her buttons anyways. Made her more pissed at the river every time I opened my mouth.
Back in the truck again, and we were now headed upriver. Stopped at a store to get some coffee and Angie noticed a little white pickup parked outside. “See that truck?” she says with a sneer and pointing. “Yep.” I says.
“If that is who I think it is, that truck belongs to the punk that blabbed about my truck accident on booby’s board.” I think she was gritting her teeth while she spoke. “Fucker.”
Walk in the store and she looks at the 4 customers in there tryin’ to figure out who drives the little truck parked out front. With the little sing-song voice she uses when she is being a total Smartass she asks some pimple faced kid, “That your truck?”
“No.” says the kid. “Why?”
“Oh, just because there is this dude that gave some info to my arch nemesis on the web some information about me that drives a truck just like that….. blah, blah, blah.” If you ever get to know Angie, when she starts that sing-song tone with you. You are dead meat. Put your guard up, or run and hide. It can get pretty brutal. Now this kid almost pisses himself and practically asks permission to leave. I just stood there chuckling to myself. Come to find out the truck belonged to a friend of someone in the store that she knew. No bigee.
Now with coffee in hand we head back out to the river. We decided to check out a bad-ass hole that should be holding fish. Neither one of us had a bite through the entire hole. Not even a Dolly! We worked the hole for about 30 minutes and headed downriver to check out a boat launch. “Wanna go four wheelin’?” Angie asks.
“Why?” I asked in return.
When we got to the turn for the ramp my question was answered. It was a muddy ass mess. I drive a monster truck F-250 so we turned into the mud and immediately sank to the axels. I kept my foot on the throttle and we kept forward momentum. The truck lurched out of the mudhole when the tires hit bedrock, and I jumped out and locked in the front hubs. Now we were good. The boat launch had been blasted by the floods and there was a big log across the launch that made it unusable. Now she was even more pissed than before. Did I mention that she bitched a lot about the floods? Just checkin’.
Out of the mud pit and headed back upriver, we were going to check out another boat launch before heading to the next hole. When we got to the next launch, Angie started squealing like a little girl. “Holy Shit, someone actually dumped a truck load of gravel on the launch to repair it. YIPPEE!!!” She jumped out of the truck before I even stopped. She was practically kissing the gravel when I got the truck stopped. She went from a sarcastic, groveling, pain-in-the-ass, to a little kid on christmas. “Guess you’re excited…. huh Ang?”
“HELL, YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!”
However, when we decided to toss some eggs, and some spinners where the run used to be. There was nothin’ there. No fish, no drop off, no hole, no crease, no riffle, no nothin’. Now we go back to bein’ pissed. “Now I have to practically learn the whole damn river over again!” She says. “This totally sucks.”
So we decide that it was time for a beer and a snack, so we head to the truck and dig into the coolers. We both groveled over how screwed up the rivers are, and how faggot dickheads are taking over a cool ass sport like fly fishin’ and ruining it. Getting excellent gear spots on legendary rivers closed to gear, and are now fly fishin’ only (can you say Stilly anyone?). Anyway after all the bitchin’, we hopped back into the truck and headed upriver.
The loggin’ road we were on came to a creek and Angie asked if my truck would cross it. “You should have no problem, because I made through that creek in a Geo Tracker.” As we approached the creek, I saw that it was a complete washout from the runoff. The creekbed was about 4-5 feet deep, with exposed boulders, and the water was runnin’ fairly quick. I got out and locked in the hubs. Then my brain kicked in and said, Dude what the hell are you doin’? So I told Angie there was no way I was goin’ through that. Yeah, I have huge tires and a lifted truck but I wasn’t risking getting’ stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Plus, considering who I was with, I would never live it down. Then she confessed that she crossed the creek with her Tracker about 3 years ago in the summer, and that it was nowhere near that bad.
So we parked up from the stream and walked to our destination. Quite a hike. But it was worth it. Got to our destination and found out that the river had completely changed. There was a small island in the middle of the river where the head of the run used to start. There once were 3-4 foot rollers in the middle, that were now 2 foot rollers over on the far bank. The small boulder garden was also gone. Do I even have to go into what Angie’s reaction was? I didn’t think so. We fished it anyway. I waded out into the current a little and found that the dropoff was still there. And was still full of gravel. I pitched some eggs through the run into the tailout and on about the 4th cast I got robbed!!! I had a hard takedown, but that was it. I yelled upstream to Angie that I had one playin’. Next cast, same deal. Fucker! I went to put on more eggs and was fresh out. Angie was about 50 yards upstream from me, and she had more eggs. Went to get more and told her to get her ass down to where that fish was and cast to it. We both went back to the spot and cast eggs and spinners but to no avail. The bastard was gone. Oh well, we were both workin’ on about 2-3 hours of sleep, so we were ready to throw in the towel.
Back at the truck, we cracked a couple more beers, and got out of our waders for the ride home. Back on the blacktop we were headin’ by the spot where Angie had her little spinout from hell. We were almost to the spot and lo-and-behold, there was a Ford Taurus on it’s top almost in the trees. The state patrol was there along with a wrecker. Angie described to me how she swapped ends with her drift boat on the trailer, and wound up against a tree. Pretty scary stuff. Just think what the world would be like without our beloved mistress of conceit, Angie.
After that, on the way home, everytime we passed a new F-150 king cab, all I heard was, “There’s my truck! See how cute they are.” Even though Angie is gung-ho about fishin’, huntin’, and all that other “manly” type stuff, she still adds that feminine touch to it. When a woman has the tenacity to spend hours on end in the outdoors like she does, and not look like sloppy half man, half cow blob, that is pretty fuckin’ cool. Anyways, we both agreed that the new F-150’s are a total chick truck. Because they are too cute to be a man’s truck.
Then as we passed the new casino in QuilCeda/Tulalip, we noticed a hilarious but horrific sight. A couple was getting married out in front of the big sorry ass lookin’ orca sculpture in the parking lot. YOU GOTTA BE SHITTIN’ ME!!! The bride had a big ass flowing dress on and the groom was in tux-and-tails. You mean to tell me someone actually planned their sorry ass wedding in the parking lot of a casino in front of a hideous statue? This ain’t Vegas my friends. I give up.
Well, that in a nutshell, is a day with Angie. It was a helluva good time. And those of you who don’t get to have an experience like that on the river when you go, are missing somethin’. Your loss.
OrtingBoy
Now that looks like fun! I love the leather hat and cigar nice touch.
Well happy belated New Year one and all! After getting a ton of email asking me to brighten up your pathetic little lives (I haven’t ranted for a month) I’ve decided to take the time to sit my ass down and make you happy. I’m going to put some sunshine into your little lives and make your work day that much more complete. Is it my fault that you work in some dismal job where the only place you have to turn for solace is to my web site? Now that’s beyond p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c.
SPEAKING OF WORK...
Ever wonder why my little weekly rants that use to be such an integral part of your existence have slowed down a bit? Could it be that I might actually be working? Could it?
Yup, Angie got a job and it’s obviously not in an office because then you’d probably get a daily rant like you did when I worked and wreaked havoc across the internet at Boeing. Man, I miss them days when I would go to the “Gayest” of all internet fishing sites (Michigan-sportsman.com) and just torture the hell out of the weak, ugly, and insecure losers of the world.
Speaking of MS.com I’m getting so many requests to go back to Michigan and torture them that I’m at odds at what to do. I’m even getting a ton of pictures again. Especially of “Gay Clay the Lonely Ass Ranger” remember SFK or better known as “Spawning Fish Killer”. Oh, what am I to do? I was suppose to change my evil ways but the more these evil boys send in the more I’m tempted. Some fan of Gay Clay even sent me a picture of SFK with his girlfriend and said she resembles me (please make fun of them). Yeah, me at 275 pounds that is.
What’s up with Michigan? Are all the women fat there or just the ones on the internet? See what happens when you have NERDS with fat wives represent your state? I'm just going to assume that all the Sportsman from Michigan have jowls, beer bellies, eat dark rotting fish and have obese girlfriends and wives. Unless of course you all out there can tell me different or do something about it.
Did I digress AGAIN?
He didn't fish at all this summer or fall he was too busy playing construction guy.
Please note the lake front cabin.
What a uckin whiner he is...
I’m working as a bartender in a smoky sports bar. How smoky is it? Man, you freaks out there that smoke two packs a day, why don’t you just go lay down below your truck exhaust with a fricking blanket covering you and inhale?
Or stick your head down your chimney and pretend you’re ucking S Santa Claus with a roaring fire of plastic containers going full bore? Come on breathe deeply!
Or better yet, how bout you just punch a hole through your throat and run surgical tubing (you’ll find some in your tackle boxes) and pump the smoke directly into your lungs? I’ll even volunteer for the job.
It will have the same damn affect and at least I won’t feel like shit the next day and have my beautiful hair wreak like the goddamn rag that I clean your filthy fucking ashtrays with.
Yup, I use to smoke occasionally (outside where I belong with the rest of the animals) but haven’t touched one since I started working there and when I do.
I cough like a cancer patient. You know what I’m talking about OR YOU SOON WILL.
Next year I'm gonna be holding the Rooster in the picture now that I'm a wage slave again. We're planning the ultimate tropical fishing trip and lots of good tequila to go along with it.
Yup, folks down at Mick Finsters in Edmonds, a happy little Scottish Bar with really good food, lovely all female bartenders and 14 televisions with Direct TV, you’ll find my perfect self trying again to put sunshine into people’s pathetic little lives with my fine wit and smart ass talents. I work with a cast and crew, or a bevy of women or what you might call some “fine little fillies”. Okay that sounded gay didn’t it?
Actually we aren’t going to call them women we’re going to call them 21 year old hotties slinging alcohol. A lethal combination. Yes, folks there should be an age limit on bartenders like there is for drinking and smoking and driving. The manager who hired most of our lovely crew didn’t know what he was getting himself into.
As I try to get to know my fellow work crew I am seriously at a loss though. Considering I haven’t just recently graduated high school, lived at home, and use my work place as a dating tool, I’m just having a tough time of it. Jokes about sporting events are out of place, talking about current events (what are those?) even more so. I have given up. I’m going to just talk to them about them. If I remember right, in high school to become popular was to be a good listener.
Right?
But I will admit this study in human nature makes it worth while everyday to go to work. To watch the trial and tribulations of young people today makes me glad I’m married with kids. I’d love to give the girls some advice like NEVER go out with guys you meet at a bar, finish school, don’t hang out at bars and instead of party party party you should go play out in the outdoors but why would they listen to the old weird chick that enjoys killing things? I’ve never been through it before. I never stood in their shoes. Actually, I NEVER date anyone I’ve met in a bar and the two guys I did, WERE FUCKING FREAKS. Erhmmmmm ex husband.
How long will I last? I really don’t know. I love the hours, I love having the day free to spend with my kids, to fish and to still be able to guide. I like meeting new people. 50% of the people that come to the bar are funny and just want conversation men and women. The other 50% are just up to no good.
Will Angie wind up in downtown Seattle at a higher end more mature establishment? Can she fit in with the youth of today? Hmmmmmmm---- I don’t know, that might mean I can’t insult the patrons and that’s the best part of all. I’ll give it a chance.
I know that I can eventually relate to girls just recently out of college. Yes, I can relate to girls just recently out of college. I just have to remember what was important to me when I was 22. Ah, shit... Gorgeous hot body guys with lots of money, alcohol, shopping, more alcohol and even more shopping, really loud music on a really awesome stereo, a fast and cool car and party party party. Hmmmmmmm---- maybe it won’t be too hard except for the hot body tight abs guy thing. Since Orvis Boy fulfills that need ten fold. Ha ha ha
Oh and why did Angie take the job in the first place?
Was it because she’s starving and about to be thrown on the streets to freeze to death like 100s of Seattle’s Homeless did this week in the blizzard? Sucked to be them this week.
Was it because she has to make a truck payment and pay off some bills that grew while she took a happy fruitful maternity leave?
Was it because she secretly gambles all her money away at the Native American Casinos? She had go there to try to talk some sense into these people to stop the netting but to no avail.
Was it because she had such HUGE FISHING GEAR BILLS Orvis Boy forced her into a “real job”? Yes, guys I am a shop alcoholic and can’t stop buying rods. It doesn’t matter what kind they are or what they’re made of. I just want them ALL!
Or was it Orvis Boy who got tired of supporting my not-for-profit or shall we say probono better yet philanthropic or even better yet economic black hole that is my guiding business?
But really boys, I’m not as bad as some wives with hobby businesses. We have a couple we hang with who’s husband just spent 20K on photography equipment for his wife’s photography studio. Whenever Orvis Boy gets too bitchy I just love pointing that one out.
There is one problem I'm having at work which is to be expected since it is a work place dominated by females and that is good old fashion gossip. It seems the alpha female doesn’t like the other alpha female. I forgot about this all in my three year hiatus from the work place and I’m trying to remember if I pounce and hold her down or just kill the bitch’s cubs. But what I don’t understand is this need for gossip.
Well RT can. Especially in front of Jennie of ifish.net's house.
Now why can Steve catch them there and she can't?
I heard she fishes with a cat on her arm now. Which will now bring her chances for landing a fish down to...
NEGATIVE 50%
Steve thinks I'm mad at him. I should be more careful with my audience. I know you're afraid but I'm mostly kidding...
You all know I'm kidding right?
I still hear people make up shit when I run into others fishing. You know like I said that John Koenig is trailer trash and cures his eggs in his bathtub (still a great idea), I’ve got into yelling matches with JD Love (who the fuck is he?), and Bob Ball has gay men constantly booking trips with him up in Alaska. Well, that last part is true. Nothing like being a “gay magnet”, wish I was one they tip really well.
So is the work world just full of people that love “high drama” and live for the shit? Do people just love to make up shit because they’re a bunch of lying weirdos every where you go?
I’m thinking YUP and I’m thinking no matter what you do, no matter where you hide, and no matter how you live your life. You can’t get away from it.
Am I sounding just like that whiny bitch Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex in the City” answering her own stupid fucking questions?
Oh, God somebody shoot me.
WHEN IS SHE GOING TO TALK ABOUT FISHING?
DECEMBER 3RD 2003
That weekend Tom was the only guide that got his clients into fish. Of course the boyz at 3riversmarine didn't believe him because they didn't touch a fish so how could anyone else? Talk about egos....
Don't you hate when you're wrong? Sometimes the better guide can catch fish when no one else does... OUCH
His client gets the "Little Cleo Award" or would that be awarded to the guide this week? I hope he takes the boy again to catch a real fish.
I’M TOO GOOD FOR HATCHERY HOLE FISHING BOYS AND GIRLS.
I refuse to stand around with a bunch of beginners at the local hatchery hole and catch tiny little 10 pound steelhead. That’s just ugly.
I refuse to row my ass off on a drift catching tiny little 10 pound steelhead. It’s not worth the time and it’s not worth the money in gas.
I refuse to fish for hatchery fish folks because the probability of catching one that’s going to be over 10 pounds and kick my ass is very small and
I am now a fishing snob.
Remember when I said I now understand why “Blake the Plug Pulling God” doesn’t allow fish under 12 pounds in his boat. Well, there’s a reason why “Blake the Plug Pulling God” doesn’t hatchery fish.
Does it sound like fun to pull into the Cowlitz parking lot that looks like “Monster Truck Day” at your local Super Mall? Then wait in line while some dumbass newbie tries to put in his brand new Alumaweld Supervee which is unpractical in most bodies of water, into the river and has no clue at all at what he is doing?
Then 30 sleds and you run bait up and down and down and up and across, and back and forth the around the blue creek area all day long for two to three and if you’re super lucky five lame, ugly snakey, hatchery fish. It can be more fun if you run your lines through the bankees and then taunt them with “loser insults”. Like...
“Don’t you want to be me?”
“I have a sled and you don’t, neaner neaner neaner?”
“Don’t you envy my $400 a month sled payment?”
SOUNDS LIKE FUN TO ME!
Or the other day at the Snoqualmie Hatchery “The Chad” who caught 2 fish every morning all through December and has FINALLY figured out what the hell I was talking about saw two guys get into “Fisticuffs” (yes, I said “Fisticuffs”) and roll into the water. Actually that sounds like fun to me and why can’t that happen when I’m around to watch it?
Oh, and how is the Snoqualmie you ask? Well, I use to love to pound the shit out of the Plum Creek Hatchery run but a couple of giant trees have fallen into my favorite pockets so it looks like the big eddy for ya all or better yet how bout playing them fine cookie cutter fish in Torkel Creek. Nothing like playing a fish in a creek that is five to 10 feet wide.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN TO ME!
After Chad got to know what hatchery fishing was really all about he FINALLY sees what I’m talking about and can’t wait for the big native season. Where the fish are native, chrome, and with shoulders that can’t possibly be real. We’re talking fish that hit your plug so hard you can’t get it out of the rod holder. We’re talking fish so big you can’t even tail them. We’re talking fish so psychotic you can’t even land them.
We’re talking
THANK GOD IT’S ALMOST NATIVE WINTER RUN STEELHEAD SEASON
NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN TO ME!
Why?
Because the bastard as we speak is sipping margaritas on the sandy beaches of Costa Rica for a month.
Stay tuned for a photo extravaganza from "The Chad"...
Bait and more bait. Big smelly stinky plugs. Floats with long pink worms from Canada.
And all you hatchery hole fags out there that use them noodle rods with light gear... There’s a reason why you only catch fish at the hatchery.
You can get one on the fly but you’re better off with the stinky plugs, folks. Why freeze your butt of for one fish when you can get two to five of these beauties especially on the Peninsula?
Oh, and guess what I’m gonna be doing this year? I’m going to bonk me a native. Yes, folks I’m going to take a native buck and bonk him on the head. I’m going to exercise my right to eat a fish. I’m going to take a picture of it and I’m going to plaster it all over the internet world and piss all of you C&R Extremist Advocates off.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
Because I catch so many fuckin goddamn steelhead and put EVERY ONE OF THE MOTHER UCKERS BACK OVER THE LAST SEVEN YEARS IT’S ABOUT TIME I ACTUALLY HARVEST ONE.
Did I say seven years?
OTHER REASONS WHY ANGIE IS GOING TO BONK A NATIVE
It’s my form of protest against fly purist’s proposals to turn perfectly good gear water or areas of rivers that can only be fished with gear to “Fly Only”
It’s my form of protest to get these freaks to quit coming up with such insane and idiot proposals that might one day get passed into law. For instance... You can’t take a fish out of the water. Fuck me. Why don’t you go tell a grizzly bear that?
It’s my form of protest to show you that EVERY CATCH AND RELEASE GUIDE OUT THERE IS ONE BIG FREAKIN HYPOCRIT. THEY ALL EAT NATIVE STEELHEAD THEY JUST LIE TO YOU ABOUT IT. Except for Bob Ball you know he’s telling the truth. Him and Squish Gal don’t eat fish. Isn’t it obvious? .
What am I going to do with the fish once I bonk it? I’m going to invite Sick Mike over for dinner and prove to him once in for all that native winter run steelhead taste like SHIT!
Do you think once Angie nets or lands the beauteous creature, its scales glimmering in the winter sun and the sea lice curling up in protest to the oxygen that she will bonk one? Can she handle the guilt of it all?
I just don’t know. I don’t have a problem with bonking kings and coho and what’s
THE GODDAMN DIFFERENCE (I love pointing that out)
Recognize Pamela Lee? Hard to tell it's her, huh?
Here she is completely natural. What a pity that she did such awful things to her body. At this photo moment I would describe her as totally beautiful and completely natural. What drove her to ruin her self image? A Canadian Girl in LA? That could of been it.
Don't ya think? She was PERFECT...
Here’s something that has irritated the shit out of me for years and I’m going to say some thing about it.
You men out there have some serious issues. You are all a bunch of dumbasses and I’m going to show and tell you exactly why.
You’ve taken the female body and made it into something so unrecognizable that I just have to say something about it. You’ve warped our bodies into some sort of unobtainable shape that only thousands of dollars can achieve. Your perception of the new modern woman is disgusting, unnatural and not even human.
Put it this way...
If women would do the same you’d all have a penis that looked like the statute of David and as hard! For many of you out there you have no inkling of what I’m talking about do you? Hee Hee
I’m sorry boys but
WOMEN DON’T HAVE THICK LIPS. WHY DO YOU FIND INJECTING THEM WITH AS MUCH SILICONE AS YOU’D PUT IN A SAUSAGE ATTRACTIVE?
You really think that makes a different when it comes to oral sex? If that were the case I suggest all of you do it to your goddamn TONGUES!
WOMEN DON’T HAVE SOFTBALLS FOR BREASTS
I’m sorry boys but breasts aren’t round, they aren’t rock hard and they lay to the side when we are on are backs. There’s space between for cleavage and it’s a fucking line not a semi circle.
Are you all so manipulated by Play Boy, Howard Stern, and Victoria Secret that you don’t even know what’s real anymore? Are you that stupid?
Why the hell do you want rock hard softballs to play with anyways? You can’t touch them it hurts, you can’t lick them for our pleasure because the nerve sensors get ruined by surgery.
So I’m going to make this short and sweet fellas. Since you all are so dense in the head that just reading this little rant won’t get through to you we’re going to take two beautiful women as our examples and who are they you ask?
Why Raquel Welch one of the most beautiful women ever to grace our planet with her presence and her exact opposite the whore that is
Pamela Lee Anderson
It’s all visual for you guys taint it!
Having high definition television is a religious experience. Everything is so clear, so define so perfect and in 3D that it’s an overload to the senses. One cannot handle the clarity the attention to detail. Okay what am I trying to say...
GO OUT AND CHARGE ON YOUR CREDIT CARDS A HIGH DEFINITION TELEVISION SET. THEN CALL YOUR CABLE COMPANY AND HAVE THEM INSTALL A HIGH DEFINITION BOX.
Orvis Boy and I just spent two hours on the HDT Channels and cannot stop. HDT is so picture perfect that it's sick. We just watched Friends and Feebe looks like a used up blonde bitch put away wet and Jennifer Aniston looks old. I think in HDT's future the actors just aren't going to like it very much. Don't you?
Unless you’ve seen it, I can’t explain it. Put it this way you’ll bitch every time you watch a normal television set, your life will never be the same.
Oh, and before I forget...
I got a Christmas Card from Jennie at ifish.net trying to hunt.
I passed it on to a few friends that just love the shit out of her. I'm also sticking her picture underneath these two beauties to give her a reality check, because she actually thinks she's like them. I'm dead serious and I'm trying to bring you back to the work world. You're all imagining a threesome with them aren't you? No not Bill and Jennie but Raquel and Pamela. Man are you guys too stupid to live?
Sorry, about ruining your fantasy boys. Hee Hee
Beginners, don't you just love how excited they get?
But why is she screaming? No wonder no one ever takes her fishing twice. Her BOYFRIEND Bill must be deaf. Well, at age 65 he probably is.
Hey isn't she engaged to that 65 year old deaf guy back there? My god if you can't get an engagement ring from a geriatric, I don't know what's worse?
It's just no fun to not have squish gal to make fun of anymore. Hey, why is her hair Bozo orange in one picture and dark red in the other one?
Field and Stream centerfold!
Why is she still standing after the gun misfired? That is a face that's been blown up. Right?
Ha,ha...I thought at first glance she was pointing the shotgun at her own face...;)
Careful Angie, she might be aiming that thing at you.
Duck !
Holy Crap!!! Ashley holds a shotgun better than that, and she's only 10!!! what a fuckin' joke. once again.... "it's hard not to take target practice when people wear a bullseye on thier forehead."
almost a waste of your time to even have to make fun of her. but i guess even negative attention is still attention. some people need it whether it is good or bad. some people crave any kind of attention so bad that if you ignore them, they will do stupid shit on purpose just to be made fun of. what a dumb bitch. she makes me wanna vomit.
DARKEST FISH OF THE INTERNET AWARD
I finally found time to take him and he had a pretty good day. He said it was the best fishing he ever had.
We were targeting steelhead but all we got were Chrome
Silvers. Wassup wid dat?
Okay gents this is going to be short because I have a house to decorate, Christmas Presents to buy, and a sick little baby with a fever that is chillin on the sofa to the Merry Foursome of the WIGGLES AUSTRAILIAN GANG.
You know that anyone acts in a toddler show has to be on some heavy drugs or drunk off their butts. How any grown man can wiggle across the floor pretending to be a snake (imagine a man humping the floor) has got to be higher than a kite.
Remember JP Patches from the 70s? Did you know that Gertrude and him were drunker than skunks by five am every stinking (and I use that term lightly) show and same with Captain Kangaroo. How else are ya gonna talk to a rabbit puppet with a straight face? I’m trying to find these videos but notice they aren’t on the market. And no I’m not buying them for my kids I’m buying them for me. It’s gotta be better than some of these movies coming out lately.
Imagine JP and Gertrude, or just RECALL when they went into their fits of laughter slapping each other on the backs because they were laughing so hard. Isn’t it funny that this is kind of how we behave now as adults and that your parents didn’t even notice that JP and Gertrude were drunk, but then I don’t recall my parents ever really noticing anything about what I watched on television.
Kind of likeletting me watch the “Outer Limits” at age four. I had nightmares for years when William Shatner visited Venus as an astronaut and then had alien eyes growing all over his body. Remember his over acting screams as he hacked away his limbs and then the final scream as they grew out of his chest?
BTW Dennis it isn't a popularity contest when guiding for fish. It's a "Who catches the most and the chromiest fish contest". It's all about CATCHING AND HAVING FUN. You can't not catch and have fun. SORRY!
Also here's a note to you fly fishing guides out there. Can you teach your clients the difference between a coho and a native steelhead? That's right you'd have to catch both first.
It was fun giving beginners a biology lesson at the take out, but hey, I don't want anyone to think I'm a native killer or my friends..
Okay we’re going to talk fishing and I’m sorry I didn’t give you a report last week but here it is.
HATCHERY FISH ARE IN EVERYWHERE.
LAST WEEK ROCKED WITH THE HIGH WATER THEY CAME IN, IN DROVES.
EVERYONE (WELL ALL MY FRIENDS) LIMITED OUT ON HATCHERY FISH
FISH AT YOUR LOCAL HATCHERY BECAUSE
IT’S NOT LIKE THEY’RE GONNA HOLD ANYWHERE ELSE.
One thing I hate about them December hatchery fish, is the fact that they just cruise on up to the hatchery pool so you have to get all social and bond with other fishermen while you fish for them. They aren’t like their January brothers that actually hold throughout the river. Hey, did I just give out a good tip? It’s not like any of you a-holes listen to me anyways.
It's too bad that dear old dad was paying too much attention. Young Ryan just sat there and goofed off and caught all our fish.
Nothing like your youngster showing off and rubbing it in. Till the end of the trip that is...
SPEAKING OF PISSY HISSY PURSUITS...
CONGRATULATIONS BOB AND COWY! He got her a ring FINALLY! Isn’t that great? You know what size of diamond you get from a guy you have to bitch force to buy you one? Put it this way... Oh I feel a top ten coming on...
TOP TEN THINGS BIGGER THAN THE DIAMOND IN COWY’S RING
A tooth filling
A proton, a neutron or an electron?
A particle of dirt
A size 16 dry fly barb
An amoeba
A virus
A cell
Michael Jackson's balls
And the top thing bigger than the diamond in Cowy’s ring is...
A booger!
Damn I'm just a meany aren't I?
Here’s a piece of advice for the five women that read my site. If it ain’t over a carrot or is that karat? Kick the tight asshole to the ucking curb. With how inexpensive diamonds are today you can get great deals. You can find a Karat for less that $2000 it may be yellow and have a flaw in it but guess what folks? Who walks around with a jewelry eye piece?
Oh and how big was my engagement ring you all wonder? How bout a 1999 Blazer paid for? But then my husband loves the shit out of me. Oh, and the 1999 Blazer turned into a 2002 Ford F150 this year. Am I bragging? Of course I am if your wife bought you a truck wouldn’t you sing her praises?
Now I gotta get, the sick little monster has some energy and is now into the Nativity Scene. We’re having issues with Baby Jesus. Seems everyone keeps taking him. Last year it was the dog almost chewing off his head, then the teething baby almost chewed off his head and then he was lost in the VCR. For some reason bad things happen to Baby Jesus in my house. Are my children and dog anti religious? I have no idea.
OH NOW WHAT WAS I GONNA RANT ABOUT BEFORE I GO?
Now I wanna catch me some of those...
Sick Mike is on his way to New Mexico for some Elk! Good luck Mike and safe journey.
When I was posting my “SAVE YOUR RIGHTS TO TAKE THE FISH OUT OF THE WATER POST” all over the place I posted on a thread that was talking about Sage Rod Blanks. I said they were too flimsy and had no backbone and sucked. Of course the whole board disagreed with me but then they only fish for SMALL TINY LITTLE HATCHERY FISH, with small soft mouths. If these guys knew anything about big salmon and steelhead you’d know that you need a good stiff rod to get that perfect hook set in them hard ass mouths. Especially if you’re caught off guard and don’t do a hard hook set. Remember folks don’t leave anything to chance.
Oh, why didn’t I mention that on the board? Like they’re gonna know what the hell I’m talking about. Most of these guys on the forum boards are hatchery fish nuts and don’t know much about big monster wild fish. Too bad isn’t it?
SO I’M SICK OF SMALL FISH
And now know why all my older guide buddies don’t get all excited about them anymore and have rules like...
NO PICTURES
CAN’T TAKE THEM OUT OF THE WATER
THEY CANNOT EVEN TOUCH THE BOAT LEAST THE BOAT GET CURSED
I’m so looking forward to late January and this up and coming steelhead season. I can’t wait to play a 15 pound plus chrome ass wild buck. I need to get my ass kicked by a fish since my husband is too much of a puss to do it.
HAVE A GREAT SHOPPING WEEK!
I’m gonna get me some of them Frangos. Gotta love Frangos and the best part is...
They don’t go straight to my ass like on most women, which would be all your wives...
Please note I didn't kill it but took a picture of it and threw it back. Why did I do that?
So it would make more baby monster knob noses you dumbass.
I put all the native fish back that matter and so do others like me, but if you take my rights away to do it.
THEN MAYBE I WON'T!
You know you gotta love coho you get to call them all of those unpolitically correct terms that you’d love to call some of them women you work with. Have any of you men ever sat there and listen to the office slut talk to other women about this guy or that one and how they gave in on the first date because he spent over $40 for dinner and she is all crying because the guy didn’t call her the next day and she is still expecting him to TWO WEEKS LATER?
Don’t you want to scream...
“STUPID WHORE! WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU GET THE MILK FOR FREE?”
Or in her case it is more like a free sampling of three day old cheese that’s just about ready to mold at the dairy counter.
Where did that come from? I have no idea but I’m a woman so I can make fun of o